Kicking into the Wind

Atlanta at Carolina: Winner of this game will get to expand its empire into South Carolina and secure needed supplies of Confederate flags. Pick: Panthers

Minnesota at Green Bay: Adrian Peterson is starring in new video entitled “NFL Rookies Gone Wild,” which has been purchased by numerous fantasy football geeks whose only hope of ever seeing a 21 year old set the single game rushing record is within. But since the Minnesota defense will be without CB Antonio Winfield and is pretty bad with him in anyway, look for a new video to be made called “Quarterbacks old enough to be grandfathers Gone Wild.” Pick: Packers

Denver at Kansas City: Kansas City will be without star running back Larry Johnson, but Priest Holmes will play extended minutes for the first time since, I believe, the Clinton Administration. On the other side of the ball, renowned football expert Randy Marsh of South Park Colorado believes that Jay Cutler sucks, but has a chance to be good. And if we can’t trust animated cartoon characters in this world, who can we trust? Pick: Broncos

Buffalo at Miami: In a recent trivia event, I discovered that Miami is one of the top 5 most visited cities in the United States. Unfortunately for the Dolphins, good football players apparently don’t visit Miami, as the Fins are winless. Pick: Bills

St. Louis at New Orleans: The Saints have rebounded from a horrible start and are now 4-4. St. Louis had a bye week last week, and didn’t get nearly everything done that they planned on. They sat around early last week relaxing and then later on in the week a friend called and they went out. The end result was no chores got done around the house, there is no food in the refrigerator, and no one knows when anyone will have time to take the car to get an oil change. Another loss for the Rams. Pick: Saints

Cleveland at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh rolled over Cleveland in the opening game of the season, making such an impression that QB Charlie Frye was traded to Seattle for a bag of coffee beans and a tin of smoked salmon. Since then, the Browns have played great on offense. Not so much on the defensive side of the ball, though. This game could be a shootout, as reflected by over under being 85 in the back room of the Italian-American Social Club. Pick: Steelers

Jacksonville at Tennessee: Jacksonville has taken a beating personnel wise, as QB Dave Garrard is rushing back after an injury, two players were suspended by the team after getting arrested, and defensive tackle Marcus Stroud was suspended by the NFL for steroid use. Vince Young’s quarterback rating has taken a beating, with 3 touchdowns and 8 interceptions on the year. Maybe Vince is adopting the dating strategy of pretending not to like someone to make that person want you even more. He plays bad but ends up winning in the end. Pick: Titans

Philadelphia at Washington: Philly is in desperate straits, and tries to up the ante by betting the Liberty Bell in exchange for several first round draft picks. The National Parks department is not amused. Pick: Redskins

Cincinnati at Baltimore: Two disappointing teams. Maybe with some hard work and effort they will soon recover enough to be simply appointing teams. Pick: Ravens

Detroit at Arizona: Detroit is having a great year. Could this be the long awaited rebound for the Lions? One would hope so. Unless you play for Arizona. Then you are not so much with the hoping for Detroit. Pick: Lions

Dallas at the New York Giants: A big game for mastery in the NFC East. Tom Coughlin is evidently a kinder, gentler coach and that has paid off for the Giants. He finally realized that, contrary to folk wisdom, floggings don’t actually make morale improve. Pick: Giants

Chicago at Oakland: Residents of Illinois forget to watch this game, as they are still passed out after the Fighting Illini beat Ohio State for the first time in a billion years. (They were then known as the Fighting Trilobites.) Pick: Bears

Indianapolis at San Diego: San Diego wants this win. San Diego needs this win. But sometimes you don’t always get what you want. Sometimes you get what you need. And in this case, what San Diego needs is another sign on why hiring Norv Turner was a bad idea. Pick: Colts

San Francisco at Seattle: Will anyone watch this game? I don’t even think that the Monday Night Football crew will. I think a camera will accidentally catch them watching a movie on a laptop. Pick: Seahawks