Sorry about last week. I went backpacking and was not at a computer to make my picks. Backpacking went well, except for the bear.
Indianapolis at Carolina: Fans confused when this contest announced, thinking it is a basketball game between the Hoosiers and the Tarheels. Dick Vermeil shows up and is put to work as a sideline announcer. Pick: Colts
Detroit at Chicago: I’m picking the Bears in this game, so I don’t give any member of the genus Ursus more reason to be angry at me. Of course, now I am making another group of carnivores mad at me, but at least this group is mostly in zoos on this continent. Pick: Bears
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: Marvin Lewis realizing that perhaps it is time to start Operation Get out of Cincinnati. I suggest a raft that flows down the Ohio River to the Mississippi. Pick: Steelers
New York Giants at Miami: This game is in London, where the NFL is trying to spread the popularity of American football abroad. Because spreading our culture in other nations has proved to be so successful for the United States lately. Pick: Giants
Philadelphia at Minnesota: This could be a defensive struggle. Or conversely, an ineptly played offensive game. You say tomayto, I say tomato. Let’s just call the whole thing off. Only that probably wouldn’t work with the need for all NFL teams to play 16 games and all that. Pick: Eagles
Cleveland at St. Louis: Cleveland is playing pretty well this year and is still in the running for a playoff spot. St. Louis is still holding auditions for fat guys who can play offensive line, at least for a series or two. Beer truck drivers arrive with visions of glory in their head. Pick: Browns
Oakland at Tennessee: Rob Bironas kicked 8 field goals last week to set an NFL record, causing many people to pick him up for their fantasy leagues. People such as myself. I’m sure that there is no such thing as regression to the mean. Pick: Titans
Buffalo at the New York Jets: The Jets have lost linebacker Jonathan Vilma for the season and have a brewing QB controversy as Chad Pennington has struggled. There is only one thing to do in a situation like this. Kick a team while they are down. Pick: Bills
Houston at San Diego: This game will be held in San Diego as the fires in Southern California have been brought somewhat under control. Speaking of en fuego, Houston backup Sage Rosenfels joined Joe Montana, Kenny “The Snake” Stabler, and Vinny Testeverde as the only quarterback to throw four touchdowns in the fourth quarter last week. One of these is things is not like the other. . . Pick: Chargers
Jacksonville at Tampa Bay: Jacksonville released longtime QB Bryon Leftwich early in the season, so when David Garrard went down last week the QB duties fell to Quinn Gray, who had an 11.1 QB rating against the Colts. So many things to say here, all of them bad. Pick: Buccaneers
Washington at New England: How can anyone stop the New England offense, which is averaging a billion points per game? I think the only hope is to have the Patriots get overconfident, invade Russia and let “General Winter” do his work. Pick: Patriots
New Orleans at San Francisco: San Francisco fans advised to skip this game so they can perhaps put a little bit more money into their down payment on their million dollar 750 square foot fixer upper. Pick: Saints
Green Bay at Denver: Denver’s strategy of winning games on the final play with a field goal brings excitement to the football viewing public, but will eventually kill three assistant coaches due to heart attacks. The district attorney not sure if manslaughter charges will apply. Pick: Packers
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The West Coast Offense is the Best Coast Offense
St. Louis at Baltimore: Winless Rams against a Baltimore team that has trouble scoring touchdowns. Sounds like a winner, and I will have to watch it because I live in the DC-Baltimore metro area. It might be time to rewatch the Star Wars Family Guy episode I DVRed instead. “Wait, isn’t a parsec a measure of distance?” Pick: Ravens
Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago might be regretting letting Thomas Jones go, as Cedric Benson is not reminding anybody of Walter Payton. Or even of the zombie Walter Payton than played a few games for the Bears a couple of years ago before being de-animated. But since Minnesota can’t actually put points on the board with its offense, the Bears might be o.k. with Benson’s 3 yards per carry average. Pick: Bears
Miami at Cleveland: The game should be renamed the “Bernie Kosar Memorial Flag Football Game for Children’s Hospital.” That is actually a bit unfair to Cleveland, who showed remarkable spunk by actually scoring 17 points against New England last week. Pick: Browns
Washington at Green Bay: Washington’s pass defense is much improved from last year. Last week, they held the high scoring Lions to only 3 points by only rushing four and not blitzing, insuring eight years of more rants against blitzing from Tuesday Morning Quarterback Gregg Easterbrook. Rumors that the Packers are installing the Wing-T to improve their rushing game have not yet been confirmed. Pick: Redskins
Houston at Jacksonville: I’ll take two cites I would not want to visit for 200, Alex. Pick: Jaguars
Cincinnati at Kansas City: Everyone says that Kansas City can rejuvenate its rushing game when Larry Johnson faces the weak Cincinnati defense. Which is probably true. If you can’t run against Cincinnati, you might want to seriously consider the CFL. Pick: Chiefs
Philadephia at New York Jets: Not much good sporting news coming out of these two cities recently. Between the Mets epic collapse, the Phillies getting swept in the playoffs, and the Yankees proving once again that good pitching beats good hitting, both sets of passionate fans have little to cheer for. And since these two teams are a combined 2-7, fans might actually have to go out and take advantage of cultural opportunities instead of haunting message boards on the internet. Truly, a fate worse than death. Pick: Eagles
Tennessee at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay has lost its two top running backs and its attempt to augment an injured Cadillac Williams with cybernetic enhancements to make “RoboBack” have fallen victim to the NFL’s competitive advantage rules. They were especially concerned with the jet pack that would allow Williams to fly over the line of scrimmage. Pick: Titans
Carolina at Arizona: 43 year old Vinny Testaverde could very well start for Carolina this week, as Jake Delhomme is out for the season with an injury and David Carr’s back is apparently the back of a 76 year old. Starting Testaverde is completely understandable, as no one born in the 1970s or 1980s can play quarterback. Pick: Cardinals
New England at Dallas: Everyone has been talking about this game, as two 5-0 teams face off against one another. Both teams have great offenses, and while Dallas’s defense is a bit banged up, coach Wade Phillips has game planned great games against the New England offense in the past. To determine a winner of this contest, you have to go pretty far down the list to the “Most times on the front of a major magazine” criteria. Pick: Patriots
Oakland at San Diego: Oakland is actually leading the AFC West with a 2-2 record, but look for Norv Turner to extract revenge against one of the teams that fired him. It’s always the quiet ones you have to look out for, as they one day sneak up behind you in an ally and beat you severely about the head and shoulders with LaDanien Tomlinson. Pick: Chargers
New Orleans at Seattle: New Orleans lost a heartbreaker to Carolina last weekend to remain winless, while Seattle looked awful in getting shut out by the Steelers. Ladies and Gentlemen, the results of parity in the NFL! Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Atlanta: The Giants are rebounding, solving their early season defensive problems and getting a tremendous season out of Plaxico Burress at wide receiver. Atlanta is “unbounding” this season, as Bobby Petrino decided that a quarterback controversy between two bad quarterbacks is what the Falcons needed this year. Pick: Giants
Last week: 11-3
Year to date: 43-33
Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago might be regretting letting Thomas Jones go, as Cedric Benson is not reminding anybody of Walter Payton. Or even of the zombie Walter Payton than played a few games for the Bears a couple of years ago before being de-animated. But since Minnesota can’t actually put points on the board with its offense, the Bears might be o.k. with Benson’s 3 yards per carry average. Pick: Bears
Miami at Cleveland: The game should be renamed the “Bernie Kosar Memorial Flag Football Game for Children’s Hospital.” That is actually a bit unfair to Cleveland, who showed remarkable spunk by actually scoring 17 points against New England last week. Pick: Browns
Washington at Green Bay: Washington’s pass defense is much improved from last year. Last week, they held the high scoring Lions to only 3 points by only rushing four and not blitzing, insuring eight years of more rants against blitzing from Tuesday Morning Quarterback Gregg Easterbrook. Rumors that the Packers are installing the Wing-T to improve their rushing game have not yet been confirmed. Pick: Redskins
Houston at Jacksonville: I’ll take two cites I would not want to visit for 200, Alex. Pick: Jaguars
Cincinnati at Kansas City: Everyone says that Kansas City can rejuvenate its rushing game when Larry Johnson faces the weak Cincinnati defense. Which is probably true. If you can’t run against Cincinnati, you might want to seriously consider the CFL. Pick: Chiefs
Philadephia at New York Jets: Not much good sporting news coming out of these two cities recently. Between the Mets epic collapse, the Phillies getting swept in the playoffs, and the Yankees proving once again that good pitching beats good hitting, both sets of passionate fans have little to cheer for. And since these two teams are a combined 2-7, fans might actually have to go out and take advantage of cultural opportunities instead of haunting message boards on the internet. Truly, a fate worse than death. Pick: Eagles
Tennessee at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay has lost its two top running backs and its attempt to augment an injured Cadillac Williams with cybernetic enhancements to make “RoboBack” have fallen victim to the NFL’s competitive advantage rules. They were especially concerned with the jet pack that would allow Williams to fly over the line of scrimmage. Pick: Titans
Carolina at Arizona: 43 year old Vinny Testaverde could very well start for Carolina this week, as Jake Delhomme is out for the season with an injury and David Carr’s back is apparently the back of a 76 year old. Starting Testaverde is completely understandable, as no one born in the 1970s or 1980s can play quarterback. Pick: Cardinals
New England at Dallas: Everyone has been talking about this game, as two 5-0 teams face off against one another. Both teams have great offenses, and while Dallas’s defense is a bit banged up, coach Wade Phillips has game planned great games against the New England offense in the past. To determine a winner of this contest, you have to go pretty far down the list to the “Most times on the front of a major magazine” criteria. Pick: Patriots
Oakland at San Diego: Oakland is actually leading the AFC West with a 2-2 record, but look for Norv Turner to extract revenge against one of the teams that fired him. It’s always the quiet ones you have to look out for, as they one day sneak up behind you in an ally and beat you severely about the head and shoulders with LaDanien Tomlinson. Pick: Chargers
New Orleans at Seattle: New Orleans lost a heartbreaker to Carolina last weekend to remain winless, while Seattle looked awful in getting shut out by the Steelers. Ladies and Gentlemen, the results of parity in the NFL! Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Atlanta: The Giants are rebounding, solving their early season defensive problems and getting a tremendous season out of Plaxico Burress at wide receiver. Atlanta is “unbounding” this season, as Bobby Petrino decided that a quarterback controversy between two bad quarterbacks is what the Falcons needed this year. Pick: Giants
Last week: 11-3
Year to date: 43-33
Sunday, October 7, 2007
5 Yard Penalty for Delay of Game
Miami at Houston: Look for international tension between the US and Cuba to increase. The baseball season is over, the Miami Hurricanes are not in the BCS picture, the basketball season hasn’t started yet, and the Dolphins are awful. What else is there to do in South Florida except to plot to overthrow Castro? Pick: Texans
Atlanta at Tennessee: The second Tennessee smackdown of a Georgia football team in two days sends the Peach State into a flurry of activity as a blue ribbon commission is established to improve Georgia football. Cries that a blue ribbon commission should be established to improve the educational system are shouted down as a misallocation of resources. Pick: Titans
Jacksonville at Kansas City: Jacksonville is coming off a bye week and Kansas City is coming off of a win over San Diego, which is perhaps not as impressive as you would have thought in the preseason. I think that rest usually helps you perform better. Football can be a game filled with violence. And getting hit hurts. Pick: Jaguars
The New York Jets at the New York Giants: New Yorkers clash in a fratricidal game instead of uniting to support the New York Yankees in their attempt not to fail in the playoffs again. Priorities, people! Joe Torre needs your help! Pick: Giants
Carolina at New Orleans: The Saints are undefeated in the loss column this season, which is a way of saying they haven’t won a game yet. This has to change eventually according to the Second Law of Thermoprediction, which says that teams that suck occasionally do actually win. Pick: Saints
Arizona at St. Louis: Arizona has used a quarterback platoon to play well over the past two games, which confuses the captain of the cheerleading squad as she doesn’t know who to take to homecoming. St. Louis becomes the 487th team to use Gus Ferrote at quarterback as Marc Bulger is not playing so well with broken ribs constantly puncturing his lungs. Pick: Cardinals
Cleveland at New England:The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.
Lord Byron, The Destruction of Romeo Crennel, 2007. Pick: Patriots
Seattle at Pittsburgh: A rematch of Super Bowl XXL. Look for crappy play, bad calls, and Mike Holmgren to whine like a teenager grounded right before prom at the end of the day. Pick: Steelers
Detroit at Washington: Detroit hasn’t won on the road against Washington in seven decades. They are 0-20 since their last victory which was during the Franklin Delano Roosevelt administration. But the Lions are 3-1 this year and are looking to finally show those corrupt politicians in the nation’s capital that men from the heartland can still take a stand! Pick: Lions
Tampa Bay at Indianapolis: Tampa Bay has been playing well, but have lost the services of Cadillac Williams for the season. Attempts to rename backup running backs HumVee or Ford Expedition have at press time been unsuccessful. Pick: Colts
San Diego at Denver: Denver is missing Javon Walker and possibly Travis Henry, who evidently has violated the league’s substance abuse policy by smoking pot to forget about how much he owes in child support (9 kids with 9 different women.) A loss could send the Chargers into what Trent Reznor would call a “Downward Spiral” and what others would call “The Mysterious Underperformace Zone.” Pick: Chargers
Baltimore at San Francisco: San Francisco’s offense has been sputtering all season and the 9ers will have to start Trent Dilfer as Alex Smith is injured. Baltimore’s offense is always questionable, so you might want to take the under if you are in Vegas and able to partake in legal gambling. Pick: Ravens
Chicago at Green Bay: Chicago adopting the philosophy that one Super Bowl every 20 years or so is enough as the NFL runners up from last year are 1-3. Green Bay adopting the philosophy that ignoring a running game and throwing 347 times a contest is the way to go. And so far it is. Pick: Packers
Dallas at Buffalo: Buffalo’s defense is banged up, just in time to face the high-octane Dallas offense. Should be a good time in Western New York, if you define a good time as crying in your 13th Genny Cream Ale. Pick: Cowboys
Last week: 6-8
Year to date: 32-30
Atlanta at Tennessee: The second Tennessee smackdown of a Georgia football team in two days sends the Peach State into a flurry of activity as a blue ribbon commission is established to improve Georgia football. Cries that a blue ribbon commission should be established to improve the educational system are shouted down as a misallocation of resources. Pick: Titans
Jacksonville at Kansas City: Jacksonville is coming off a bye week and Kansas City is coming off of a win over San Diego, which is perhaps not as impressive as you would have thought in the preseason. I think that rest usually helps you perform better. Football can be a game filled with violence. And getting hit hurts. Pick: Jaguars
The New York Jets at the New York Giants: New Yorkers clash in a fratricidal game instead of uniting to support the New York Yankees in their attempt not to fail in the playoffs again. Priorities, people! Joe Torre needs your help! Pick: Giants
Carolina at New Orleans: The Saints are undefeated in the loss column this season, which is a way of saying they haven’t won a game yet. This has to change eventually according to the Second Law of Thermoprediction, which says that teams that suck occasionally do actually win. Pick: Saints
Arizona at St. Louis: Arizona has used a quarterback platoon to play well over the past two games, which confuses the captain of the cheerleading squad as she doesn’t know who to take to homecoming. St. Louis becomes the 487th team to use Gus Ferrote at quarterback as Marc Bulger is not playing so well with broken ribs constantly puncturing his lungs. Pick: Cardinals
Cleveland at New England:The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.
Lord Byron, The Destruction of Romeo Crennel, 2007. Pick: Patriots
Seattle at Pittsburgh: A rematch of Super Bowl XXL. Look for crappy play, bad calls, and Mike Holmgren to whine like a teenager grounded right before prom at the end of the day. Pick: Steelers
Detroit at Washington: Detroit hasn’t won on the road against Washington in seven decades. They are 0-20 since their last victory which was during the Franklin Delano Roosevelt administration. But the Lions are 3-1 this year and are looking to finally show those corrupt politicians in the nation’s capital that men from the heartland can still take a stand! Pick: Lions
Tampa Bay at Indianapolis: Tampa Bay has been playing well, but have lost the services of Cadillac Williams for the season. Attempts to rename backup running backs HumVee or Ford Expedition have at press time been unsuccessful. Pick: Colts
San Diego at Denver: Denver is missing Javon Walker and possibly Travis Henry, who evidently has violated the league’s substance abuse policy by smoking pot to forget about how much he owes in child support (9 kids with 9 different women.) A loss could send the Chargers into what Trent Reznor would call a “Downward Spiral” and what others would call “The Mysterious Underperformace Zone.” Pick: Chargers
Baltimore at San Francisco: San Francisco’s offense has been sputtering all season and the 9ers will have to start Trent Dilfer as Alex Smith is injured. Baltimore’s offense is always questionable, so you might want to take the under if you are in Vegas and able to partake in legal gambling. Pick: Ravens
Chicago at Green Bay: Chicago adopting the philosophy that one Super Bowl every 20 years or so is enough as the NFL runners up from last year are 1-3. Green Bay adopting the philosophy that ignoring a running game and throwing 347 times a contest is the way to go. And so far it is. Pick: Packers
Dallas at Buffalo: Buffalo’s defense is banged up, just in time to face the high-octane Dallas offense. Should be a good time in Western New York, if you define a good time as crying in your 13th Genny Cream Ale. Pick: Cowboys
Last week: 6-8
Year to date: 32-30
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