St. Louis at Baltimore: Winless Rams against a Baltimore team that has trouble scoring touchdowns. Sounds like a winner, and I will have to watch it because I live in the DC-Baltimore metro area. It might be time to rewatch the Star Wars Family Guy episode I DVRed instead. “Wait, isn’t a parsec a measure of distance?” Pick: Ravens
Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago might be regretting letting Thomas Jones go, as Cedric Benson is not reminding anybody of Walter Payton. Or even of the zombie Walter Payton than played a few games for the Bears a couple of years ago before being de-animated. But since Minnesota can’t actually put points on the board with its offense, the Bears might be o.k. with Benson’s 3 yards per carry average. Pick: Bears
Miami at Cleveland: The game should be renamed the “Bernie Kosar Memorial Flag Football Game for Children’s Hospital.” That is actually a bit unfair to Cleveland, who showed remarkable spunk by actually scoring 17 points against New England last week. Pick: Browns
Washington at Green Bay: Washington’s pass defense is much improved from last year. Last week, they held the high scoring Lions to only 3 points by only rushing four and not blitzing, insuring eight years of more rants against blitzing from Tuesday Morning Quarterback Gregg Easterbrook. Rumors that the Packers are installing the Wing-T to improve their rushing game have not yet been confirmed. Pick: Redskins
Houston at Jacksonville: I’ll take two cites I would not want to visit for 200, Alex. Pick: Jaguars
Cincinnati at Kansas City: Everyone says that Kansas City can rejuvenate its rushing game when Larry Johnson faces the weak Cincinnati defense. Which is probably true. If you can’t run against Cincinnati, you might want to seriously consider the CFL. Pick: Chiefs
Philadephia at New York Jets: Not much good sporting news coming out of these two cities recently. Between the Mets epic collapse, the Phillies getting swept in the playoffs, and the Yankees proving once again that good pitching beats good hitting, both sets of passionate fans have little to cheer for. And since these two teams are a combined 2-7, fans might actually have to go out and take advantage of cultural opportunities instead of haunting message boards on the internet. Truly, a fate worse than death. Pick: Eagles
Tennessee at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay has lost its two top running backs and its attempt to augment an injured Cadillac Williams with cybernetic enhancements to make “RoboBack” have fallen victim to the NFL’s competitive advantage rules. They were especially concerned with the jet pack that would allow Williams to fly over the line of scrimmage. Pick: Titans
Carolina at Arizona: 43 year old Vinny Testaverde could very well start for Carolina this week, as Jake Delhomme is out for the season with an injury and David Carr’s back is apparently the back of a 76 year old. Starting Testaverde is completely understandable, as no one born in the 1970s or 1980s can play quarterback. Pick: Cardinals
New England at Dallas: Everyone has been talking about this game, as two 5-0 teams face off against one another. Both teams have great offenses, and while Dallas’s defense is a bit banged up, coach Wade Phillips has game planned great games against the New England offense in the past. To determine a winner of this contest, you have to go pretty far down the list to the “Most times on the front of a major magazine” criteria. Pick: Patriots
Oakland at San Diego: Oakland is actually leading the AFC West with a 2-2 record, but look for Norv Turner to extract revenge against one of the teams that fired him. It’s always the quiet ones you have to look out for, as they one day sneak up behind you in an ally and beat you severely about the head and shoulders with LaDanien Tomlinson. Pick: Chargers
New Orleans at Seattle: New Orleans lost a heartbreaker to Carolina last weekend to remain winless, while Seattle looked awful in getting shut out by the Steelers. Ladies and Gentlemen, the results of parity in the NFL! Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Atlanta: The Giants are rebounding, solving their early season defensive problems and getting a tremendous season out of Plaxico Burress at wide receiver. Atlanta is “unbounding” this season, as Bobby Petrino decided that a quarterback controversy between two bad quarterbacks is what the Falcons needed this year. Pick: Giants
Last week: 11-3
Year to date: 43-33
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