5 Yard Penalty for Delay of Game

Miami at Houston: Look for international tension between the US and Cuba to increase. The baseball season is over, the Miami Hurricanes are not in the BCS picture, the basketball season hasn’t started yet, and the Dolphins are awful. What else is there to do in South Florida except to plot to overthrow Castro? Pick: Texans

Atlanta at Tennessee: The second Tennessee smackdown of a Georgia football team in two days sends the Peach State into a flurry of activity as a blue ribbon commission is established to improve Georgia football. Cries that a blue ribbon commission should be established to improve the educational system are shouted down as a misallocation of resources. Pick: Titans

Jacksonville at Kansas City: Jacksonville is coming off a bye week and Kansas City is coming off of a win over San Diego, which is perhaps not as impressive as you would have thought in the preseason. I think that rest usually helps you perform better. Football can be a game filled with violence. And getting hit hurts. Pick: Jaguars

The New York Jets at the New York Giants: New Yorkers clash in a fratricidal game instead of uniting to support the New York Yankees in their attempt not to fail in the playoffs again. Priorities, people! Joe Torre needs your help! Pick: Giants

Carolina at New Orleans: The Saints are undefeated in the loss column this season, which is a way of saying they haven’t won a game yet. This has to change eventually according to the Second Law of Thermoprediction, which says that teams that suck occasionally do actually win. Pick: Saints

Arizona at St. Louis: Arizona has used a quarterback platoon to play well over the past two games, which confuses the captain of the cheerleading squad as she doesn’t know who to take to homecoming. St. Louis becomes the 487th team to use Gus Ferrote at quarterback as Marc Bulger is not playing so well with broken ribs constantly puncturing his lungs. Pick: Cardinals

Cleveland at New England:The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.
Lord Byron, The Destruction of Romeo Crennel, 2007. Pick: Patriots

Seattle at Pittsburgh: A rematch of Super Bowl XXL. Look for crappy play, bad calls, and Mike Holmgren to whine like a teenager grounded right before prom at the end of the day. Pick: Steelers

Detroit at Washington: Detroit hasn’t won on the road against Washington in seven decades. They are 0-20 since their last victory which was during the Franklin Delano Roosevelt administration. But the Lions are 3-1 this year and are looking to finally show those corrupt politicians in the nation’s capital that men from the heartland can still take a stand! Pick: Lions

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis: Tampa Bay has been playing well, but have lost the services of Cadillac Williams for the season. Attempts to rename backup running backs HumVee or Ford Expedition have at press time been unsuccessful. Pick: Colts

San Diego at Denver: Denver is missing Javon Walker and possibly Travis Henry, who evidently has violated the league’s substance abuse policy by smoking pot to forget about how much he owes in child support (9 kids with 9 different women.) A loss could send the Chargers into what Trent Reznor would call a “Downward Spiral” and what others would call “The Mysterious Underperformace Zone.” Pick: Chargers

Baltimore at San Francisco: San Francisco’s offense has been sputtering all season and the 9ers will have to start Trent Dilfer as Alex Smith is injured. Baltimore’s offense is always questionable, so you might want to take the under if you are in Vegas and able to partake in legal gambling. Pick: Ravens

Chicago at Green Bay: Chicago adopting the philosophy that one Super Bowl every 20 years or so is enough as the NFL runners up from last year are 1-3. Green Bay adopting the philosophy that ignoring a running game and throwing 347 times a contest is the way to go. And so far it is. Pick: Packers

Dallas at Buffalo: Buffalo’s defense is banged up, just in time to face the high-octane Dallas offense. Should be a good time in Western New York, if you define a good time as crying in your 13th Genny Cream Ale. Pick: Cowboys

Last week: 6-8
Year to date: 32-30