Fourth Down and Forever

Houston at Atlanta: The Falcons traded away backup quarterback Matt Schaub to the Texans before they knew that Michael Vick was not smart enough to avoid smoking the wacky tobaccy while awaiting sentencing for dogfighting. Schaub is doing well for Houston while Joey Harrington is proving that his third team is not the charm. More like the third strike means you are out. Pick: Texans

Baltimore at Cleveland: This could be a revenge game for Jamal Lewis, who faces his old Ravens team for the first time since moving to Cleveland. But something tells me that it won’t be as complete as the revenge Medea exacted on Jason when she caught him fooling around. Pick: Ravens

Oakland at Miami: Once these two teams would vie for AFC supremacy. Now not so much. Raiders quarterback Duante Culpepper returns to Miami after one injury and interception filled season in South Florida. New Dolphins quarterback Trent Green faces a familiar foe in the Raiders, a team he faced twice a year while playing with the Chiefs. But this game is not just about the quarterbacks. It’s about 110 men on both teams each trying to find a place in this topsy turvy, weird, wacky, and wild place we call Planet Earth. By hitting other people. Pick: Dolphins

Chicago at Detroit: Rex Grossman has been benched in Chicago for Brian Griese, which is the usual result when you throw -7 touchdown passes in a season. I don’t know how he got into the negative numbers, he just did. Detroit started out 2-0 before allowing the Eagles to score 56 points against them this weekend. Fans in Michigan who went out after this start and bought playoff tickets for the Lions are proof that in humanity hope triumphs over experience, like those Kurds in Turkey who bought postage stamps for the Republic of Kurdistan and tried to send mail with them. Pick: Bears

New York Jets at Buffalo: In yet another example of hope triumphing over experience, I am going to go with the Bills despite not knowing anything about their backup and now starting quarterback Trent Edwards except me might be related to presidential candidate John Edwards or perhaps a descendant of famed Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards. I have the vast powers of the internet at my fingertips with which I could find out this information, but then I would have to think up a new joke. Pick: Bills

Green Bay at Minnesota: Brett Farve in all likelihood will set the NFL record for touchdown passes by a quarterback when he throws for number 421 in this game. If he does so, Wisconsin plans to declare Monday an official state holiday and rename the state capital of Madison Farveton. If, however, Farve fails to throw a touchdown pass and instead throws three interceptions to set the NFL career interception record, plans will not change. What is important is that Farve has another record. Pick: Packers

St. Louis at Dallas: It’s been a rough couple of months for St. Louis. The Cardinals faded down the stretch, rejuvinated wonderkid Rick Ankiel was discovered to maybe have used a little HGH in his rejuvination instead of just steak and Budweiser, and now the Rams score like 5 points a game. As the saying goes, it’s going to get worse before the United States government arrives with a reconstruction package to save your country from the commies. Pick: Cowboys.
Seattle at San Francisco: Look for Shaun Alexander to continue his record of success against San Francisco, who allowed the Pittsburgh Steelers to run all over them last week. Unless of course 49ers coach Mike Singeltary uses dark magic to possess his linebackers and control them with the power of his mind. Which could happen, but would probably cause some friction in the locker room later. Pick: Seahawks

Tampa Bay at Carolina: Carolina receiver Steve Smith has had several great games against Tampa Bay, despite the vaunted Tampa-2 defense. But the Bucs are constantly evolving the Tampa defense and it is now the Tampa-5 defense where they insert an extra three defensive backs. It proves to be quite effective until the referees realize that the Bucs are now playing with 14 men on the field. Pick: Panthers

Kansas City at San Diego: The Chargers are starting to get a bit worried as they have already lost as many games this year as they did all last season in the regular season. Kansas City is starting to get worried as they have scored only 26 points all season and Larry Johnson only has a 2.8 yards per carry rushing average. Bobby McFerrin is brought into both clubhouses to sing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” in an attempt to get players in a positive state of mind. Pick: Chargers

Denver at Indianapolis: In a stunning move, OmniSuperMegaCorp gives up on developing viral weaponry that will only turn on its creators and decides to offer to genetically engineer children to play football like Peyton Manning. Stock flies through the roof and no one has to fight off crazed hordes of zombies. Pick: Colts

Pittsburgh at Arizona: Arizona coach Kurt Whisenhunt faces the team that he was an assistant coach on from 2001 to 2006. This should give him some advantages when he develops his game plan as he knows players strengths and weaknesses, but he’s also coaching the Cardinals so I don’t know if that will help him much. Pick: Steelers

Philadelphia at the New York Giants: In a Sunday fraught with implications for New York and Philadephia sports franchises, the Eagles and Giants face off against each other while the Phillies and the Mets battle for the postseason the the NL East. Whatever happens expect the some group of angry, obnoxious fans to be disappointed. So it really is a win win situation for the rest of the country. Pick: Eagles

New England at Cincinnati: The Patriots are scoring 38 points a game while the Bengals don’t like to play defense. This has lopsided rout written all over it. And as the saying goes, “So let it be written. So let it be done.” Pick: Patriots

Last week: 10-6
Year to date: 26-22