Footballs of Fury (Week 1)

New Orleans at Indianapolis: Now that Peyton Manning has tasted the sweet taste of Super Bowl victory and found it pleasing to his taste buds, can anyone halt his drive to crush all before him as he seeks ever sweeter tastes to satisfy his taste for NFL domination? Perhaps the Saints can stand in front of this new demon, but we all know how most of the saints met their end. (Ow! Ow! Lions have sharp teeth! And pointy claws!) Fantasy owners are looking forward to gaudy numbers as two of the leagues top offenses face defenses out of the top 10. (Colts 21st in 2006, Saints 11th.) Pick: Colts

Philadelphia at Green Bay: Philly fans sit down to enjoy the first part of the season before the inevitable Donovan McNabb injury leads to a 200 percent increase in Prozac orders in the southeast corner of Pennsylvania. Brett Farve returns to play his 358th season in the NFL. Farve is 5 years older than me, has an 18 year old kid, 3 NFL MVP awards, a Super Bowl ring, and numerous records. Yeah, I’ve wasted my life. Pick: Eagles

Kansas City at Houston: Houston parted ways with long term quarterback David Carr in the offseason, giving the starting job and the opportunity to be sacked 6 times a game to former Falcons backup Matt Schaub. Kansas City also parted ways with its quarterback of many years when Trent Green left Arrowhead Stadium. Chiefs coach Herm Edwards denies plans to direct snap it to Larry Johnson on every play, instead giving Damon Huard the opportunity to throw the ball 14, maybe even 15 times a game. Pick: Chiefs

Denver at Buffalo: Buffalo adopted curious strategy of allowing two of its top linebackers-Takeo Spikes and London Fletcher-to leave team via free agency. They have faith that their young players will grow into their roles. Denver has faith that Travis Henry will be another successful back in the Broncos offense before they discard him next year into the former Bronco running back depository hollowed out underneath Pike’s Peak. Pick: Bills

Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Pittsburgh starts with a new coach for the first time since grunge actually was the alternative form of music. Reviews on new coach Mike Tomlin have been positive, but questions about the recovery of Ben Roethlisberger from injuries and a subpar season last year have yet to be answered. Cleveland will start Charlie Frye at QB, sitting Notre Dame graduate Brady Quinn for the time being. Intelligence sources confirm that a representative of ND head coach Charlie Weis has asked to "borrow" Quinn on Saturdays for a while as the Irish’s experiment in playing everyone at QB including the leprechaun last week vs. Georgia Tech did not work out. Pick: Steelers

Carolina at St. Louis: Must. . resist. . .temptation. . . to. . . compare. . . St. Louis offense. . . to Mongol hordes. . . . There’s only so many times you can go to that well, esteemed readers. Let’s just say that the St. Louis offense could be kinda good. The Panthers need their offense to be kinda good as well, so they brought in David Carr to back up Jake Delhomme at QB and put some pressure on Jake to regain his Super Bowl season form. How much confidence do you have in your QB when you bring in a backup whose career TD to interception ratio is 59 to 65? Pick: Rams

Atlanta at Minnesota: Rumors that Atlanta will be renicknamed "The Atlanta Little Pupper-Wuppers" in an effort to get past the Michael Vick scandal have not yet been confirmed. The Falcons are not yet doomed this season, as they have a strong running game and a quarterback who actually understands the concept of the forward pass. Pick: Falcons

New England at the New York Jets: Not wasting any time, the NFL decided to schedule a key AFC East battle on the first week of the season. Efforts by New York coach Eric Mangini to enlist Tony Soprano at Nuovo Vesuvio to "take care of" players on the Patriots paid off recently when he ensnared Pats safety Rodney Harrison in an human growth hormone ring after giving Harrison free shots of HGH at the Bada Bing. Pick: Patriots

Miami at Washington: Miami starts with their third coach in three years as Cam Cameron takes control of the Dolphins. Washington pins its hopes on a healthy Clinton Portis, a more experienced Jason Campbell behind center, and random stochoastic probability leading to a return to the playoffs. Pick: Redskins

Tennessee at Jacksonville: Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio adopted interesting strategy of playing longtime starting QB Byron Leftwich extensively during the preseason and then cutting him. David Garrard will take over as the staring QB for the Jags. There is no QB controversy on the Titans as Vince Young seems to lead all sorts of crazy comebacks. Tennessee will be without the services of cornerback Pacman Jones, who is suspended for the year for being so dumb that he was surprised that strippers would actually take money that people are throwing at them. Pick: Titans

Chicago at San Diego: San Diego fired head coach Marty Schottenheimer after a 14-2 regular season after another disappointing loss in the playoffs lent further credence to the maxim that Martyball doesn’t win when it counts. But Marty’s 5 wins in the playoffs (vs. 13 losses) are 5 more wins than new head coach Norv Turner has in the playoffs. Kinda hard to win in the playoffs if you almost never get to them. (Norv is 0-1 in the postseason.) Still, all Norv has to do is manage the talent filled Chargers and not mess things up too much. Rumors that Barry Switzer is an advisor in a secret bunker under San Diego are 100 percent true. Pick: Chargers

Tampa Bay at Seattle: Seattle is looking forward to the season with a healthy Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck sparking another run at a Super Bowl. Tampa Bay is looking forward to the season as it means they can play in Tampa and spend time at the numerous Gentlemen’s Clubs in the area, keeping in mind the example of Tennessee’s Pacman Jones and how it is poor etiquette to shoot people at the club. Pick: Seahawks

Detroit at Oakland: Both teams excited as they each feel that this game could be one of their 4 wins for the season. Fantasy owners have that queasy feeling in their stomachs about John Kitna and the Detroit offense-it has the potential to put up lots of points but they are Detroit and might score only 10 points in seven of their games. On the other hand, the Oakland offense offers no case for agonizing as those Greek Orthodox monks on Mount Athos where there are no women actually allowed on the premises score more than the Raiders. Pick: Lions

NY Giants at Dallas: Dallas is starting with new coach Wade Phillips, who took over from the retiring Bill Parcells, who has now retired so many times that he will coauthor a book "Retiring from Sports for Dummies" with Roger Clemens and Michael Jordan. The New York Football Giants continue to stick with Tom Coughlin as coach, even though everybody seems to hate him. The Giants will have to replace leading rusher Tiki Barber, who retired to a life of wearing nice suits and will have to get QB Eli Manning up to a consistent level of consistency. Pick: Cowboys

Baltimore at Cincinnati: Baltimore has replaced longtime running back Jamal Lewis with Willis McGahee from Buffalo coming in to replace him. This should provide a spark in the running game for the Ravens. Cincinnati should continue to produce big numbers on offense, but the defense will have to improve because as scientists have pointed out, if you let the other team score more points than you do, even if you score lots of points yourself, your team will still lose. Pick: Ravens

Arizona at San Francisco: With a new coaching staff in Arizona led by former Steelers assistant Ken Whisenhunt, hope blooms anew in Arizona, much as a desert rose blooms after a sudden rainstorm brings lifegiving water to the desert. And usually the rose wilts in the oppressive heat of an inept front office and players who don’t care, but perhaps this time our lovely rose has found a spring from which it can nourish itself through the years to come. Pick: Cardinals