Faster Running Back Go Go Go!

Buffalo at Pittsburgh: For the second week in a row, a favorite team of mine faces a favorite team of my friend Phil Catelinet. Last week it was Notre Dame and Penn State, now it is Buffalo and Pittsburgh. And while I think that Buffalo is better than Notre Dame, I feel that the end result of this week’s contest will be the same-Phil gets to send me that Onion article entitled “You Will Suffer Humiliation when the Sports Team from My Area Defeats the Sports Team from Your Area.” Pick: Steelers

Houston at Carolina: Two teams that are both undefeated. Rumors that Houston wants to end the season now while they are in first place have been denied. Every other year Carolina is good. Why stop something that seems to work so well? Pick: Panthers

New Orleans at Tampa Bay: New Orleans was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Colts. Tampa Bay was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Seahawks. One of these teams will continue to be embarrassed this season, but not in the fun embarrassment of riches kind of way. Pick: Saints

Atlanta at Jacksonville: Jacksonville will look to run against Atlanta, who allowed lots of rushing yards last week against Minnesota. Atlanta will look to actually score a touchdown so as not to be known as the “Notre Dame of the South.” Pick: Jacksonville

Cincinnati at Cleveland: Cleveland started Charlie Frye at QB last week and then promptly traded him to Seattle. Derek Anderson will start at QB for the Browns with Brady Quinn waiting in the wings to take his turn behind center and get sacked 26 times a game. As far as I know, no Cincinnati player got arrested in the past week, Marvin Lewis rewarded team with late night party with open bar at club in Vegas. Pick: Bengals

San Francisco at St. Louis: The Rams have lost 60 percent of their projected offensive line, including All Pro lineman Orlando Pace. This could throw a kink in what as projected to be a potent offensive attack, as good blocking kinda helps you score lots of points. San Francisco didn’t have much of an offense last week against the Cardinals but were able to do enough to win. There are only so many teams (in fact, 1) that are called the Cardinals, though. Pick: Rams

Green Bay at the New York Giants: Everybody on the Giants was injured last week forcing Tom Coughlin to start the championship team from the NYPD club league. But those NYPD guys do tend to come through in the clutch. Pick: Giants

Indianapolis at Tennessee: Tennessee plays Indy tough, and has shown that they can run against the Colts in the past. But the Colts shut down a strong New Orleans offense last week and maybe have solved their defensive problems. This will be close but look for Indy to prevail when Peyton Manning finishes a commercial in time for a game winning drive. Pick: Colts

Dallas at Miami: Dallas scored 45 points last week. Miami scored 13 points last week. Using string theory, we can see that 45 points is much more than 13 points and gives an edge to the: Cowboys

Minnesota at Detroit: Minnesota needs to keep this game close as they will be at a disadvantage if the game is a high scoring one. Detroit needs to roll up the points like the American auto industry used to roll up sales before those pesky Japanese arrived with their annoyingly high quality reasonably priced vehicles. Pick: Lions

Seattle at Arizona: Once again a predator bird faces a songbird, so unless the Cardinals can seduce the fierce Seahawks with seductive music, don’t bet on the little red guys. Pick: Seahawks

Kansas City at Chicago: In the olden days, cattle would be herded up north through Kansas City to the slaughterhouses of Chicago to be processed into food for a hungry nation in need of protein to continue the process of rapid industrialization. In today’s digital world, the Chiefs will be herded north to the slaughterhouse of Soldier Field to be processed into entertainment for a hungry Chicagoland in need of momentary distraction from their comfortable yet ennui filled lives. Pick: Bears

New York Jets at Baltimore: It’s only week two and we could have a battle of the backups as Kyle Boller might have to take over for an injured Steve McNair for Baltimore and the Jets Kellen Clemens could have to start for the first time in the NFL as Chad Pennington is injured. Predicted score in that case could be a thrilling 6-3 as the Ravens defense destroys a young QB and Kyle Boller continues to be as effective as the Polish cavalry in 1939. Pick: Ravens

Oakland at Denver: Quarterback roulette continues for the Raiders, who started Josh McCown last week but will start Duante Culpepper this week as McCown is out due to injury. Number 1 pick JaMarcus Russell finally ended his holdout and signed, but since he has missed approximately 598 days of training camp and practice, don’t expect to see him behind center. Unless every other QB on Oakland gets injured, which is well within the realm of possibility. Maybe Kenny “the Snake” Stabler can take a few snaps. Pick: Broncos

San Diego at New England: “By trying to videotape and steal the Jets play signals last week, I have brought shame upon my team and my owner. In order to wash away this stain on my honor, I will now commit seppuku on the 50 yard line of Gillette Stadium.” This is a Bill Belichick quote from an alternate reality where Japan wins WWII and influences the culture of the United States. But since Japan didn’t win WWII, Bill Belichick can continue to not give a shit that he is a cheating bastard. Pick: Chargers

Washington at Philadelphia: Washington evidently is watching “I Love the 80s” on repeat since they are going back to a ball control run oriented offense like the Redskins used to win during Coach Joe Gibbs first tenure with the club. They are not going totally retro though and actually using a white running back like they did back in the day with John Riggins. No sense in taking things too far. Pick: Eagles

Last week: 8-8
Year to date 8-8