Houston at Atlanta: The Falcons traded away backup quarterback Matt Schaub to the Texans before they knew that Michael Vick was not smart enough to avoid smoking the wacky tobaccy while awaiting sentencing for dogfighting. Schaub is doing well for Houston while Joey Harrington is proving that his third team is not the charm. More like the third strike means you are out. Pick: Texans
Baltimore at Cleveland: This could be a revenge game for Jamal Lewis, who faces his old Ravens team for the first time since moving to Cleveland. But something tells me that it won’t be as complete as the revenge Medea exacted on Jason when she caught him fooling around. Pick: Ravens
Oakland at Miami: Once these two teams would vie for AFC supremacy. Now not so much. Raiders quarterback Duante Culpepper returns to Miami after one injury and interception filled season in South Florida. New Dolphins quarterback Trent Green faces a familiar foe in the Raiders, a team he faced twice a year while playing with the Chiefs. But this game is not just about the quarterbacks. It’s about 110 men on both teams each trying to find a place in this topsy turvy, weird, wacky, and wild place we call Planet Earth. By hitting other people. Pick: Dolphins
Chicago at Detroit: Rex Grossman has been benched in Chicago for Brian Griese, which is the usual result when you throw -7 touchdown passes in a season. I don’t know how he got into the negative numbers, he just did. Detroit started out 2-0 before allowing the Eagles to score 56 points against them this weekend. Fans in Michigan who went out after this start and bought playoff tickets for the Lions are proof that in humanity hope triumphs over experience, like those Kurds in Turkey who bought postage stamps for the Republic of Kurdistan and tried to send mail with them. Pick: Bears
New York Jets at Buffalo: In yet another example of hope triumphing over experience, I am going to go with the Bills despite not knowing anything about their backup and now starting quarterback Trent Edwards except me might be related to presidential candidate John Edwards or perhaps a descendant of famed Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards. I have the vast powers of the internet at my fingertips with which I could find out this information, but then I would have to think up a new joke. Pick: Bills
Green Bay at Minnesota: Brett Farve in all likelihood will set the NFL record for touchdown passes by a quarterback when he throws for number 421 in this game. If he does so, Wisconsin plans to declare Monday an official state holiday and rename the state capital of Madison Farveton. If, however, Farve fails to throw a touchdown pass and instead throws three interceptions to set the NFL career interception record, plans will not change. What is important is that Farve has another record. Pick: Packers
St. Louis at Dallas: It’s been a rough couple of months for St. Louis. The Cardinals faded down the stretch, rejuvinated wonderkid Rick Ankiel was discovered to maybe have used a little HGH in his rejuvination instead of just steak and Budweiser, and now the Rams score like 5 points a game. As the saying goes, it’s going to get worse before the United States government arrives with a reconstruction package to save your country from the commies. Pick: Cowboys.
Seattle at San Francisco: Look for Shaun Alexander to continue his record of success against San Francisco, who allowed the Pittsburgh Steelers to run all over them last week. Unless of course 49ers coach Mike Singeltary uses dark magic to possess his linebackers and control them with the power of his mind. Which could happen, but would probably cause some friction in the locker room later. Pick: Seahawks
Tampa Bay at Carolina: Carolina receiver Steve Smith has had several great games against Tampa Bay, despite the vaunted Tampa-2 defense. But the Bucs are constantly evolving the Tampa defense and it is now the Tampa-5 defense where they insert an extra three defensive backs. It proves to be quite effective until the referees realize that the Bucs are now playing with 14 men on the field. Pick: Panthers
Kansas City at San Diego: The Chargers are starting to get a bit worried as they have already lost as many games this year as they did all last season in the regular season. Kansas City is starting to get worried as they have scored only 26 points all season and Larry Johnson only has a 2.8 yards per carry rushing average. Bobby McFerrin is brought into both clubhouses to sing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” in an attempt to get players in a positive state of mind. Pick: Chargers
Denver at Indianapolis: In a stunning move, OmniSuperMegaCorp gives up on developing viral weaponry that will only turn on its creators and decides to offer to genetically engineer children to play football like Peyton Manning. Stock flies through the roof and no one has to fight off crazed hordes of zombies. Pick: Colts
Pittsburgh at Arizona: Arizona coach Kurt Whisenhunt faces the team that he was an assistant coach on from 2001 to 2006. This should give him some advantages when he develops his game plan as he knows players strengths and weaknesses, but he’s also coaching the Cardinals so I don’t know if that will help him much. Pick: Steelers
Philadelphia at the New York Giants: In a Sunday fraught with implications for New York and Philadephia sports franchises, the Eagles and Giants face off against each other while the Phillies and the Mets battle for the postseason the the NL East. Whatever happens expect the some group of angry, obnoxious fans to be disappointed. So it really is a win win situation for the rest of the country. Pick: Eagles
New England at Cincinnati: The Patriots are scoring 38 points a game while the Bengals don’t like to play defense. This has lopsided rout written all over it. And as the saying goes, “So let it be written. So let it be done.” Pick: Patriots
Last week: 10-6
Year to date: 26-22
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Playing from the Three Point Stance
Detroit at Philadelphia: Detroit is 2-0 while Philly is 0-2 with one touchdown all season. Philly fans and fantasy owners of Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook have been reduced to inarticulate grunts when calling into sports talk radio, Pick: Lions
Miami at the New York Jets: An important battle in the AFC East, as the winner of this game will actually have a win this season and won’t fall too far behind the Patriots before the leaves start to turn. Pick: Jets
Buffalo at New England: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away. It’s going to be one of those games for the Bills. Pick: Patriots
Arizona at Baltimore: In what should be called the “Traitor Bowl” two teams who left their cities face off against each other. In this analogy, Arizona is Benedict Arnold who betrayed his cause and died embittered in England while Baltimore is some traitor who prospered in his new location but my historical analogy meter is not giving me anything here people. Pick: Ravens
St. Louis at Tampa Bay: Jeff Garcia and Joey Galloway used up their quota of touchdown passes last week. No mas for them. Pick: Rams
San Francisco at Pittsburgh: San Francisco is 2-0 despite being dead last in the league in total offense. Using smoke and mirrors to score points instead of the West Coast Offense might be fun for a while, 49ers, but don’t make Bill Walsh send down bolts of lightning from heaven. Pick: Steelers
Indianapolis at Houston: Houston is a surprising 2-0 and this is suddenly a big early season game in the AFC South. But as the Chinese saying goes “The nail that stands up is hammered down” and I am sure Peyton Manning has a free hammer from some endorsement or another. Pick: Colts
San Diego at Green Bay: San Diego had a chance to get revenge against New England last week and stunk up the joint. Perhaps San Diego is discovering that the Norv Turner Experience should be a rock band and not a coaching staff. Pick: Packers
Minnesota at Kansas City: Minnesota is playing great defense and needs to continue to play great defense so that I might continue to score points in my fantasy league. So the Larry Johnson slump this season needs to continue for at least one more week. Sorry, Larry. Nothing personal. Pick: Vikings
Cleveland at Oakland: Cleveland confuses fantasy owners and those who frequent wagering establishments by scoring 10 points one weekend and 51 points next weekend. Where do you go with this? How can you use past performance to predict future behavior here? Pick: Raiders
Jacksonville at Denver: Denver leads the league in total offense despite having to win both of its games by field goals in the last second or overtime. Just as you kick someone when they are down in a fight so they know they are beaten, you have to score touchdowns in the end zone so teams don’t get funny ideas about being competitive. Pick: Broncos
Cincinnati at Seattle: Cincy scored 46 points last week and lost. How do you do that? Do you think there were some harsh words in the Cincy locker room between the offensive and defensive squads? Like “Maybe you guys should discover the concept of tackling?” Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Washington: The Giants are not so much feeling like playing defense this year, deciding to use all of their energy on the defensive front to explain themselves in the pages of the New York Post. Pick: Redskins
Carolina at Atlanta: No one in the Atlanta area watches this game as they are all hung over after celebrating the Georgia win over Alabama in OT on Saturday night. Which is all for the good, really. Pick: Panthers
Dallas at Chicago: Dallas is scoring at will this season but Chicago is only allowing 12 points a game. This contest could be like one of those immovable object-irresistible force kind of things, like when you go to Chipotle and can’t decide if you want the barbacoa burrito or the steak burrito. Both make strong claims on your allegiance. Pick: Bears
Tennessee at New Orleans: New Orleans has stumbled out of the blocks this season with its high octane offense acting like a Model-T. And while they could still get their team on track and upgraded to a late model Mustang this season, they still have to go through the Edsel phase. Pick: Titans
Last week: 8-8
Year to date: 16-16
Miami at the New York Jets: An important battle in the AFC East, as the winner of this game will actually have a win this season and won’t fall too far behind the Patriots before the leaves start to turn. Pick: Jets
Buffalo at New England: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away. It’s going to be one of those games for the Bills. Pick: Patriots
Arizona at Baltimore: In what should be called the “Traitor Bowl” two teams who left their cities face off against each other. In this analogy, Arizona is Benedict Arnold who betrayed his cause and died embittered in England while Baltimore is some traitor who prospered in his new location but my historical analogy meter is not giving me anything here people. Pick: Ravens
St. Louis at Tampa Bay: Jeff Garcia and Joey Galloway used up their quota of touchdown passes last week. No mas for them. Pick: Rams
San Francisco at Pittsburgh: San Francisco is 2-0 despite being dead last in the league in total offense. Using smoke and mirrors to score points instead of the West Coast Offense might be fun for a while, 49ers, but don’t make Bill Walsh send down bolts of lightning from heaven. Pick: Steelers
Indianapolis at Houston: Houston is a surprising 2-0 and this is suddenly a big early season game in the AFC South. But as the Chinese saying goes “The nail that stands up is hammered down” and I am sure Peyton Manning has a free hammer from some endorsement or another. Pick: Colts
San Diego at Green Bay: San Diego had a chance to get revenge against New England last week and stunk up the joint. Perhaps San Diego is discovering that the Norv Turner Experience should be a rock band and not a coaching staff. Pick: Packers
Minnesota at Kansas City: Minnesota is playing great defense and needs to continue to play great defense so that I might continue to score points in my fantasy league. So the Larry Johnson slump this season needs to continue for at least one more week. Sorry, Larry. Nothing personal. Pick: Vikings
Cleveland at Oakland: Cleveland confuses fantasy owners and those who frequent wagering establishments by scoring 10 points one weekend and 51 points next weekend. Where do you go with this? How can you use past performance to predict future behavior here? Pick: Raiders
Jacksonville at Denver: Denver leads the league in total offense despite having to win both of its games by field goals in the last second or overtime. Just as you kick someone when they are down in a fight so they know they are beaten, you have to score touchdowns in the end zone so teams don’t get funny ideas about being competitive. Pick: Broncos
Cincinnati at Seattle: Cincy scored 46 points last week and lost. How do you do that? Do you think there were some harsh words in the Cincy locker room between the offensive and defensive squads? Like “Maybe you guys should discover the concept of tackling?” Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Washington: The Giants are not so much feeling like playing defense this year, deciding to use all of their energy on the defensive front to explain themselves in the pages of the New York Post. Pick: Redskins
Carolina at Atlanta: No one in the Atlanta area watches this game as they are all hung over after celebrating the Georgia win over Alabama in OT on Saturday night. Which is all for the good, really. Pick: Panthers
Dallas at Chicago: Dallas is scoring at will this season but Chicago is only allowing 12 points a game. This contest could be like one of those immovable object-irresistible force kind of things, like when you go to Chipotle and can’t decide if you want the barbacoa burrito or the steak burrito. Both make strong claims on your allegiance. Pick: Bears
Tennessee at New Orleans: New Orleans has stumbled out of the blocks this season with its high octane offense acting like a Model-T. And while they could still get their team on track and upgraded to a late model Mustang this season, they still have to go through the Edsel phase. Pick: Titans
Last week: 8-8
Year to date: 16-16
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Faster Running Back Go Go Go!
Buffalo at Pittsburgh: For the second week in a row, a favorite team of mine faces a favorite team of my friend Phil Catelinet. Last week it was Notre Dame and Penn State, now it is Buffalo and Pittsburgh. And while I think that Buffalo is better than Notre Dame, I feel that the end result of this week’s contest will be the same-Phil gets to send me that Onion article entitled “You Will Suffer Humiliation when the Sports Team from My Area Defeats the Sports Team from Your Area.” Pick: Steelers
Houston at Carolina: Two teams that are both undefeated. Rumors that Houston wants to end the season now while they are in first place have been denied. Every other year Carolina is good. Why stop something that seems to work so well? Pick: Panthers
New Orleans at Tampa Bay: New Orleans was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Colts. Tampa Bay was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Seahawks. One of these teams will continue to be embarrassed this season, but not in the fun embarrassment of riches kind of way. Pick: Saints
Atlanta at Jacksonville: Jacksonville will look to run against Atlanta, who allowed lots of rushing yards last week against Minnesota. Atlanta will look to actually score a touchdown so as not to be known as the “Notre Dame of the South.” Pick: Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Cleveland: Cleveland started Charlie Frye at QB last week and then promptly traded him to Seattle. Derek Anderson will start at QB for the Browns with Brady Quinn waiting in the wings to take his turn behind center and get sacked 26 times a game. As far as I know, no Cincinnati player got arrested in the past week, Marvin Lewis rewarded team with late night party with open bar at club in Vegas. Pick: Bengals
San Francisco at St. Louis: The Rams have lost 60 percent of their projected offensive line, including All Pro lineman Orlando Pace. This could throw a kink in what as projected to be a potent offensive attack, as good blocking kinda helps you score lots of points. San Francisco didn’t have much of an offense last week against the Cardinals but were able to do enough to win. There are only so many teams (in fact, 1) that are called the Cardinals, though. Pick: Rams
Green Bay at the New York Giants: Everybody on the Giants was injured last week forcing Tom Coughlin to start the championship team from the NYPD club league. But those NYPD guys do tend to come through in the clutch. Pick: Giants
Indianapolis at Tennessee: Tennessee plays Indy tough, and has shown that they can run against the Colts in the past. But the Colts shut down a strong New Orleans offense last week and maybe have solved their defensive problems. This will be close but look for Indy to prevail when Peyton Manning finishes a commercial in time for a game winning drive. Pick: Colts
Dallas at Miami: Dallas scored 45 points last week. Miami scored 13 points last week. Using string theory, we can see that 45 points is much more than 13 points and gives an edge to the: Cowboys
Minnesota at Detroit: Minnesota needs to keep this game close as they will be at a disadvantage if the game is a high scoring one. Detroit needs to roll up the points like the American auto industry used to roll up sales before those pesky Japanese arrived with their annoyingly high quality reasonably priced vehicles. Pick: Lions
Seattle at Arizona: Once again a predator bird faces a songbird, so unless the Cardinals can seduce the fierce Seahawks with seductive music, don’t bet on the little red guys. Pick: Seahawks
Kansas City at Chicago: In the olden days, cattle would be herded up north through Kansas City to the slaughterhouses of Chicago to be processed into food for a hungry nation in need of protein to continue the process of rapid industrialization. In today’s digital world, the Chiefs will be herded north to the slaughterhouse of Soldier Field to be processed into entertainment for a hungry Chicagoland in need of momentary distraction from their comfortable yet ennui filled lives. Pick: Bears
New York Jets at Baltimore: It’s only week two and we could have a battle of the backups as Kyle Boller might have to take over for an injured Steve McNair for Baltimore and the Jets Kellen Clemens could have to start for the first time in the NFL as Chad Pennington is injured. Predicted score in that case could be a thrilling 6-3 as the Ravens defense destroys a young QB and Kyle Boller continues to be as effective as the Polish cavalry in 1939. Pick: Ravens
Oakland at Denver: Quarterback roulette continues for the Raiders, who started Josh McCown last week but will start Duante Culpepper this week as McCown is out due to injury. Number 1 pick JaMarcus Russell finally ended his holdout and signed, but since he has missed approximately 598 days of training camp and practice, don’t expect to see him behind center. Unless every other QB on Oakland gets injured, which is well within the realm of possibility. Maybe Kenny “the Snake” Stabler can take a few snaps. Pick: Broncos
San Diego at New England: “By trying to videotape and steal the Jets play signals last week, I have brought shame upon my team and my owner. In order to wash away this stain on my honor, I will now commit seppuku on the 50 yard line of Gillette Stadium.” This is a Bill Belichick quote from an alternate reality where Japan wins WWII and influences the culture of the United States. But since Japan didn’t win WWII, Bill Belichick can continue to not give a shit that he is a cheating bastard. Pick: Chargers
Washington at Philadelphia: Washington evidently is watching “I Love the 80s” on repeat since they are going back to a ball control run oriented offense like the Redskins used to win during Coach Joe Gibbs first tenure with the club. They are not going totally retro though and actually using a white running back like they did back in the day with John Riggins. No sense in taking things too far. Pick: Eagles
Last week: 8-8
Year to date 8-8
Houston at Carolina: Two teams that are both undefeated. Rumors that Houston wants to end the season now while they are in first place have been denied. Every other year Carolina is good. Why stop something that seems to work so well? Pick: Panthers
New Orleans at Tampa Bay: New Orleans was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Colts. Tampa Bay was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Seahawks. One of these teams will continue to be embarrassed this season, but not in the fun embarrassment of riches kind of way. Pick: Saints
Atlanta at Jacksonville: Jacksonville will look to run against Atlanta, who allowed lots of rushing yards last week against Minnesota. Atlanta will look to actually score a touchdown so as not to be known as the “Notre Dame of the South.” Pick: Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Cleveland: Cleveland started Charlie Frye at QB last week and then promptly traded him to Seattle. Derek Anderson will start at QB for the Browns with Brady Quinn waiting in the wings to take his turn behind center and get sacked 26 times a game. As far as I know, no Cincinnati player got arrested in the past week, Marvin Lewis rewarded team with late night party with open bar at club in Vegas. Pick: Bengals
San Francisco at St. Louis: The Rams have lost 60 percent of their projected offensive line, including All Pro lineman Orlando Pace. This could throw a kink in what as projected to be a potent offensive attack, as good blocking kinda helps you score lots of points. San Francisco didn’t have much of an offense last week against the Cardinals but were able to do enough to win. There are only so many teams (in fact, 1) that are called the Cardinals, though. Pick: Rams
Green Bay at the New York Giants: Everybody on the Giants was injured last week forcing Tom Coughlin to start the championship team from the NYPD club league. But those NYPD guys do tend to come through in the clutch. Pick: Giants
Indianapolis at Tennessee: Tennessee plays Indy tough, and has shown that they can run against the Colts in the past. But the Colts shut down a strong New Orleans offense last week and maybe have solved their defensive problems. This will be close but look for Indy to prevail when Peyton Manning finishes a commercial in time for a game winning drive. Pick: Colts
Dallas at Miami: Dallas scored 45 points last week. Miami scored 13 points last week. Using string theory, we can see that 45 points is much more than 13 points and gives an edge to the: Cowboys
Minnesota at Detroit: Minnesota needs to keep this game close as they will be at a disadvantage if the game is a high scoring one. Detroit needs to roll up the points like the American auto industry used to roll up sales before those pesky Japanese arrived with their annoyingly high quality reasonably priced vehicles. Pick: Lions
Seattle at Arizona: Once again a predator bird faces a songbird, so unless the Cardinals can seduce the fierce Seahawks with seductive music, don’t bet on the little red guys. Pick: Seahawks
Kansas City at Chicago: In the olden days, cattle would be herded up north through Kansas City to the slaughterhouses of Chicago to be processed into food for a hungry nation in need of protein to continue the process of rapid industrialization. In today’s digital world, the Chiefs will be herded north to the slaughterhouse of Soldier Field to be processed into entertainment for a hungry Chicagoland in need of momentary distraction from their comfortable yet ennui filled lives. Pick: Bears
New York Jets at Baltimore: It’s only week two and we could have a battle of the backups as Kyle Boller might have to take over for an injured Steve McNair for Baltimore and the Jets Kellen Clemens could have to start for the first time in the NFL as Chad Pennington is injured. Predicted score in that case could be a thrilling 6-3 as the Ravens defense destroys a young QB and Kyle Boller continues to be as effective as the Polish cavalry in 1939. Pick: Ravens
Oakland at Denver: Quarterback roulette continues for the Raiders, who started Josh McCown last week but will start Duante Culpepper this week as McCown is out due to injury. Number 1 pick JaMarcus Russell finally ended his holdout and signed, but since he has missed approximately 598 days of training camp and practice, don’t expect to see him behind center. Unless every other QB on Oakland gets injured, which is well within the realm of possibility. Maybe Kenny “the Snake” Stabler can take a few snaps. Pick: Broncos
San Diego at New England: “By trying to videotape and steal the Jets play signals last week, I have brought shame upon my team and my owner. In order to wash away this stain on my honor, I will now commit seppuku on the 50 yard line of Gillette Stadium.” This is a Bill Belichick quote from an alternate reality where Japan wins WWII and influences the culture of the United States. But since Japan didn’t win WWII, Bill Belichick can continue to not give a shit that he is a cheating bastard. Pick: Chargers
Washington at Philadelphia: Washington evidently is watching “I Love the 80s” on repeat since they are going back to a ball control run oriented offense like the Redskins used to win during Coach Joe Gibbs first tenure with the club. They are not going totally retro though and actually using a white running back like they did back in the day with John Riggins. No sense in taking things too far. Pick: Eagles
Last week: 8-8
Year to date 8-8
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Footballs of Fury (Week 1)
New Orleans at Indianapolis: Now that Peyton Manning has tasted the sweet taste of Super Bowl victory and found it pleasing to his taste buds, can anyone halt his drive to crush all before him as he seeks ever sweeter tastes to satisfy his taste for NFL domination? Perhaps the Saints can stand in front of this new demon, but we all know how most of the saints met their end. (Ow! Ow! Lions have sharp teeth! And pointy claws!) Fantasy owners are looking forward to gaudy numbers as two of the leagues top offenses face defenses out of the top 10. (Colts 21st in 2006, Saints 11th.) Pick: Colts
Philadelphia at Green Bay: Philly fans sit down to enjoy the first part of the season before the inevitable Donovan McNabb injury leads to a 200 percent increase in Prozac orders in the southeast corner of Pennsylvania. Brett Farve returns to play his 358th season in the NFL. Farve is 5 years older than me, has an 18 year old kid, 3 NFL MVP awards, a Super Bowl ring, and numerous records. Yeah, I’ve wasted my life. Pick: Eagles
Kansas City at Houston: Houston parted ways with long term quarterback David Carr in the offseason, giving the starting job and the opportunity to be sacked 6 times a game to former Falcons backup Matt Schaub. Kansas City also parted ways with its quarterback of many years when Trent Green left Arrowhead Stadium. Chiefs coach Herm Edwards denies plans to direct snap it to Larry Johnson on every play, instead giving Damon Huard the opportunity to throw the ball 14, maybe even 15 times a game. Pick: Chiefs
Denver at Buffalo: Buffalo adopted curious strategy of allowing two of its top linebackers-Takeo Spikes and London Fletcher-to leave team via free agency. They have faith that their young players will grow into their roles. Denver has faith that Travis Henry will be another successful back in the Broncos offense before they discard him next year into the former Bronco running back depository hollowed out underneath Pike’s Peak. Pick: Bills
Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Pittsburgh starts with a new coach for the first time since grunge actually was the alternative form of music. Reviews on new coach Mike Tomlin have been positive, but questions about the recovery of Ben Roethlisberger from injuries and a subpar season last year have yet to be answered. Cleveland will start Charlie Frye at QB, sitting Notre Dame graduate Brady Quinn for the time being. Intelligence sources confirm that a representative of ND head coach Charlie Weis has asked to "borrow" Quinn on Saturdays for a while as the Irish’s experiment in playing everyone at QB including the leprechaun last week vs. Georgia Tech did not work out. Pick: Steelers
Carolina at St. Louis: Must. . resist. . .temptation. . . to. . . compare. . . St. Louis offense. . . to Mongol hordes. . . . There’s only so many times you can go to that well, esteemed readers. Let’s just say that the St. Louis offense could be kinda good. The Panthers need their offense to be kinda good as well, so they brought in David Carr to back up Jake Delhomme at QB and put some pressure on Jake to regain his Super Bowl season form. How much confidence do you have in your QB when you bring in a backup whose career TD to interception ratio is 59 to 65? Pick: Rams
Atlanta at Minnesota: Rumors that Atlanta will be renicknamed "The Atlanta Little Pupper-Wuppers" in an effort to get past the Michael Vick scandal have not yet been confirmed. The Falcons are not yet doomed this season, as they have a strong running game and a quarterback who actually understands the concept of the forward pass. Pick: Falcons
New England at the New York Jets: Not wasting any time, the NFL decided to schedule a key AFC East battle on the first week of the season. Efforts by New York coach Eric Mangini to enlist Tony Soprano at Nuovo Vesuvio to "take care of" players on the Patriots paid off recently when he ensnared Pats safety Rodney Harrison in an human growth hormone ring after giving Harrison free shots of HGH at the Bada Bing. Pick: Patriots
Miami at Washington: Miami starts with their third coach in three years as Cam Cameron takes control of the Dolphins. Washington pins its hopes on a healthy Clinton Portis, a more experienced Jason Campbell behind center, and random stochoastic probability leading to a return to the playoffs. Pick: Redskins
Tennessee at Jacksonville: Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio adopted interesting strategy of playing longtime starting QB Byron Leftwich extensively during the preseason and then cutting him. David Garrard will take over as the staring QB for the Jags. There is no QB controversy on the Titans as Vince Young seems to lead all sorts of crazy comebacks. Tennessee will be without the services of cornerback Pacman Jones, who is suspended for the year for being so dumb that he was surprised that strippers would actually take money that people are throwing at them. Pick: Titans
Chicago at San Diego: San Diego fired head coach Marty Schottenheimer after a 14-2 regular season after another disappointing loss in the playoffs lent further credence to the maxim that Martyball doesn’t win when it counts. But Marty’s 5 wins in the playoffs (vs. 13 losses) are 5 more wins than new head coach Norv Turner has in the playoffs. Kinda hard to win in the playoffs if you almost never get to them. (Norv is 0-1 in the postseason.) Still, all Norv has to do is manage the talent filled Chargers and not mess things up too much. Rumors that Barry Switzer is an advisor in a secret bunker under San Diego are 100 percent true. Pick: Chargers
Tampa Bay at Seattle: Seattle is looking forward to the season with a healthy Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck sparking another run at a Super Bowl. Tampa Bay is looking forward to the season as it means they can play in Tampa and spend time at the numerous Gentlemen’s Clubs in the area, keeping in mind the example of Tennessee’s Pacman Jones and how it is poor etiquette to shoot people at the club. Pick: Seahawks
Detroit at Oakland: Both teams excited as they each feel that this game could be one of their 4 wins for the season. Fantasy owners have that queasy feeling in their stomachs about John Kitna and the Detroit offense-it has the potential to put up lots of points but they are Detroit and might score only 10 points in seven of their games. On the other hand, the Oakland offense offers no case for agonizing as those Greek Orthodox monks on Mount Athos where there are no women actually allowed on the premises score more than the Raiders. Pick: Lions
NY Giants at Dallas: Dallas is starting with new coach Wade Phillips, who took over from the retiring Bill Parcells, who has now retired so many times that he will coauthor a book "Retiring from Sports for Dummies" with Roger Clemens and Michael Jordan. The New York Football Giants continue to stick with Tom Coughlin as coach, even though everybody seems to hate him. The Giants will have to replace leading rusher Tiki Barber, who retired to a life of wearing nice suits and will have to get QB Eli Manning up to a consistent level of consistency. Pick: Cowboys
Baltimore at Cincinnati: Baltimore has replaced longtime running back Jamal Lewis with Willis McGahee from Buffalo coming in to replace him. This should provide a spark in the running game for the Ravens. Cincinnati should continue to produce big numbers on offense, but the defense will have to improve because as scientists have pointed out, if you let the other team score more points than you do, even if you score lots of points yourself, your team will still lose. Pick: Ravens
Arizona at San Francisco: With a new coaching staff in Arizona led by former Steelers assistant Ken Whisenhunt, hope blooms anew in Arizona, much as a desert rose blooms after a sudden rainstorm brings lifegiving water to the desert. And usually the rose wilts in the oppressive heat of an inept front office and players who don’t care, but perhaps this time our lovely rose has found a spring from which it can nourish itself through the years to come. Pick: Cardinals
Philadelphia at Green Bay: Philly fans sit down to enjoy the first part of the season before the inevitable Donovan McNabb injury leads to a 200 percent increase in Prozac orders in the southeast corner of Pennsylvania. Brett Farve returns to play his 358th season in the NFL. Farve is 5 years older than me, has an 18 year old kid, 3 NFL MVP awards, a Super Bowl ring, and numerous records. Yeah, I’ve wasted my life. Pick: Eagles
Kansas City at Houston: Houston parted ways with long term quarterback David Carr in the offseason, giving the starting job and the opportunity to be sacked 6 times a game to former Falcons backup Matt Schaub. Kansas City also parted ways with its quarterback of many years when Trent Green left Arrowhead Stadium. Chiefs coach Herm Edwards denies plans to direct snap it to Larry Johnson on every play, instead giving Damon Huard the opportunity to throw the ball 14, maybe even 15 times a game. Pick: Chiefs
Denver at Buffalo: Buffalo adopted curious strategy of allowing two of its top linebackers-Takeo Spikes and London Fletcher-to leave team via free agency. They have faith that their young players will grow into their roles. Denver has faith that Travis Henry will be another successful back in the Broncos offense before they discard him next year into the former Bronco running back depository hollowed out underneath Pike’s Peak. Pick: Bills
Pittsburgh at Cleveland: Pittsburgh starts with a new coach for the first time since grunge actually was the alternative form of music. Reviews on new coach Mike Tomlin have been positive, but questions about the recovery of Ben Roethlisberger from injuries and a subpar season last year have yet to be answered. Cleveland will start Charlie Frye at QB, sitting Notre Dame graduate Brady Quinn for the time being. Intelligence sources confirm that a representative of ND head coach Charlie Weis has asked to "borrow" Quinn on Saturdays for a while as the Irish’s experiment in playing everyone at QB including the leprechaun last week vs. Georgia Tech did not work out. Pick: Steelers
Carolina at St. Louis: Must. . resist. . .temptation. . . to. . . compare. . . St. Louis offense. . . to Mongol hordes. . . . There’s only so many times you can go to that well, esteemed readers. Let’s just say that the St. Louis offense could be kinda good. The Panthers need their offense to be kinda good as well, so they brought in David Carr to back up Jake Delhomme at QB and put some pressure on Jake to regain his Super Bowl season form. How much confidence do you have in your QB when you bring in a backup whose career TD to interception ratio is 59 to 65? Pick: Rams
Atlanta at Minnesota: Rumors that Atlanta will be renicknamed "The Atlanta Little Pupper-Wuppers" in an effort to get past the Michael Vick scandal have not yet been confirmed. The Falcons are not yet doomed this season, as they have a strong running game and a quarterback who actually understands the concept of the forward pass. Pick: Falcons
New England at the New York Jets: Not wasting any time, the NFL decided to schedule a key AFC East battle on the first week of the season. Efforts by New York coach Eric Mangini to enlist Tony Soprano at Nuovo Vesuvio to "take care of" players on the Patriots paid off recently when he ensnared Pats safety Rodney Harrison in an human growth hormone ring after giving Harrison free shots of HGH at the Bada Bing. Pick: Patriots
Miami at Washington: Miami starts with their third coach in three years as Cam Cameron takes control of the Dolphins. Washington pins its hopes on a healthy Clinton Portis, a more experienced Jason Campbell behind center, and random stochoastic probability leading to a return to the playoffs. Pick: Redskins
Tennessee at Jacksonville: Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio adopted interesting strategy of playing longtime starting QB Byron Leftwich extensively during the preseason and then cutting him. David Garrard will take over as the staring QB for the Jags. There is no QB controversy on the Titans as Vince Young seems to lead all sorts of crazy comebacks. Tennessee will be without the services of cornerback Pacman Jones, who is suspended for the year for being so dumb that he was surprised that strippers would actually take money that people are throwing at them. Pick: Titans
Chicago at San Diego: San Diego fired head coach Marty Schottenheimer after a 14-2 regular season after another disappointing loss in the playoffs lent further credence to the maxim that Martyball doesn’t win when it counts. But Marty’s 5 wins in the playoffs (vs. 13 losses) are 5 more wins than new head coach Norv Turner has in the playoffs. Kinda hard to win in the playoffs if you almost never get to them. (Norv is 0-1 in the postseason.) Still, all Norv has to do is manage the talent filled Chargers and not mess things up too much. Rumors that Barry Switzer is an advisor in a secret bunker under San Diego are 100 percent true. Pick: Chargers
Tampa Bay at Seattle: Seattle is looking forward to the season with a healthy Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck sparking another run at a Super Bowl. Tampa Bay is looking forward to the season as it means they can play in Tampa and spend time at the numerous Gentlemen’s Clubs in the area, keeping in mind the example of Tennessee’s Pacman Jones and how it is poor etiquette to shoot people at the club. Pick: Seahawks
Detroit at Oakland: Both teams excited as they each feel that this game could be one of their 4 wins for the season. Fantasy owners have that queasy feeling in their stomachs about John Kitna and the Detroit offense-it has the potential to put up lots of points but they are Detroit and might score only 10 points in seven of their games. On the other hand, the Oakland offense offers no case for agonizing as those Greek Orthodox monks on Mount Athos where there are no women actually allowed on the premises score more than the Raiders. Pick: Lions
NY Giants at Dallas: Dallas is starting with new coach Wade Phillips, who took over from the retiring Bill Parcells, who has now retired so many times that he will coauthor a book "Retiring from Sports for Dummies" with Roger Clemens and Michael Jordan. The New York Football Giants continue to stick with Tom Coughlin as coach, even though everybody seems to hate him. The Giants will have to replace leading rusher Tiki Barber, who retired to a life of wearing nice suits and will have to get QB Eli Manning up to a consistent level of consistency. Pick: Cowboys
Baltimore at Cincinnati: Baltimore has replaced longtime running back Jamal Lewis with Willis McGahee from Buffalo coming in to replace him. This should provide a spark in the running game for the Ravens. Cincinnati should continue to produce big numbers on offense, but the defense will have to improve because as scientists have pointed out, if you let the other team score more points than you do, even if you score lots of points yourself, your team will still lose. Pick: Ravens
Arizona at San Francisco: With a new coaching staff in Arizona led by former Steelers assistant Ken Whisenhunt, hope blooms anew in Arizona, much as a desert rose blooms after a sudden rainstorm brings lifegiving water to the desert. And usually the rose wilts in the oppressive heat of an inept front office and players who don’t care, but perhaps this time our lovely rose has found a spring from which it can nourish itself through the years to come. Pick: Cardinals
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