Atlanta at Carolina: Winner of this game will get to expand its empire into South Carolina and secure needed supplies of Confederate flags. Pick: Panthers
Minnesota at Green Bay: Adrian Peterson is starring in new video entitled “NFL Rookies Gone Wild,” which has been purchased by numerous fantasy football geeks whose only hope of ever seeing a 21 year old set the single game rushing record is within. But since the Minnesota defense will be without CB Antonio Winfield and is pretty bad with him in anyway, look for a new video to be made called “Quarterbacks old enough to be grandfathers Gone Wild.” Pick: Packers
Denver at Kansas City: Kansas City will be without star running back Larry Johnson, but Priest Holmes will play extended minutes for the first time since, I believe, the Clinton Administration. On the other side of the ball, renowned football expert Randy Marsh of South Park Colorado believes that Jay Cutler sucks, but has a chance to be good. And if we can’t trust animated cartoon characters in this world, who can we trust? Pick: Broncos
Buffalo at Miami: In a recent trivia event, I discovered that Miami is one of the top 5 most visited cities in the United States. Unfortunately for the Dolphins, good football players apparently don’t visit Miami, as the Fins are winless. Pick: Bills
St. Louis at New Orleans: The Saints have rebounded from a horrible start and are now 4-4. St. Louis had a bye week last week, and didn’t get nearly everything done that they planned on. They sat around early last week relaxing and then later on in the week a friend called and they went out. The end result was no chores got done around the house, there is no food in the refrigerator, and no one knows when anyone will have time to take the car to get an oil change. Another loss for the Rams. Pick: Saints
Cleveland at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh rolled over Cleveland in the opening game of the season, making such an impression that QB Charlie Frye was traded to Seattle for a bag of coffee beans and a tin of smoked salmon. Since then, the Browns have played great on offense. Not so much on the defensive side of the ball, though. This game could be a shootout, as reflected by over under being 85 in the back room of the Italian-American Social Club. Pick: Steelers
Jacksonville at Tennessee: Jacksonville has taken a beating personnel wise, as QB Dave Garrard is rushing back after an injury, two players were suspended by the team after getting arrested, and defensive tackle Marcus Stroud was suspended by the NFL for steroid use. Vince Young’s quarterback rating has taken a beating, with 3 touchdowns and 8 interceptions on the year. Maybe Vince is adopting the dating strategy of pretending not to like someone to make that person want you even more. He plays bad but ends up winning in the end. Pick: Titans
Philadelphia at Washington: Philly is in desperate straits, and tries to up the ante by betting the Liberty Bell in exchange for several first round draft picks. The National Parks department is not amused. Pick: Redskins
Cincinnati at Baltimore: Two disappointing teams. Maybe with some hard work and effort they will soon recover enough to be simply appointing teams. Pick: Ravens
Detroit at Arizona: Detroit is having a great year. Could this be the long awaited rebound for the Lions? One would hope so. Unless you play for Arizona. Then you are not so much with the hoping for Detroit. Pick: Lions
Dallas at the New York Giants: A big game for mastery in the NFC East. Tom Coughlin is evidently a kinder, gentler coach and that has paid off for the Giants. He finally realized that, contrary to folk wisdom, floggings don’t actually make morale improve. Pick: Giants
Chicago at Oakland: Residents of Illinois forget to watch this game, as they are still passed out after the Fighting Illini beat Ohio State for the first time in a billion years. (They were then known as the Fighting Trilobites.) Pick: Bears
Indianapolis at San Diego: San Diego wants this win. San Diego needs this win. But sometimes you don’t always get what you want. Sometimes you get what you need. And in this case, what San Diego needs is another sign on why hiring Norv Turner was a bad idea. Pick: Colts
San Francisco at Seattle: Will anyone watch this game? I don’t even think that the Monday Night Football crew will. I think a camera will accidentally catch them watching a movie on a laptop. Pick: Seahawks
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Halloween Hut Hut Hike
Sorry about last week. I went backpacking and was not at a computer to make my picks. Backpacking went well, except for the bear.
Indianapolis at Carolina: Fans confused when this contest announced, thinking it is a basketball game between the Hoosiers and the Tarheels. Dick Vermeil shows up and is put to work as a sideline announcer. Pick: Colts
Detroit at Chicago: I’m picking the Bears in this game, so I don’t give any member of the genus Ursus more reason to be angry at me. Of course, now I am making another group of carnivores mad at me, but at least this group is mostly in zoos on this continent. Pick: Bears
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: Marvin Lewis realizing that perhaps it is time to start Operation Get out of Cincinnati. I suggest a raft that flows down the Ohio River to the Mississippi. Pick: Steelers
New York Giants at Miami: This game is in London, where the NFL is trying to spread the popularity of American football abroad. Because spreading our culture in other nations has proved to be so successful for the United States lately. Pick: Giants
Philadelphia at Minnesota: This could be a defensive struggle. Or conversely, an ineptly played offensive game. You say tomayto, I say tomato. Let’s just call the whole thing off. Only that probably wouldn’t work with the need for all NFL teams to play 16 games and all that. Pick: Eagles
Cleveland at St. Louis: Cleveland is playing pretty well this year and is still in the running for a playoff spot. St. Louis is still holding auditions for fat guys who can play offensive line, at least for a series or two. Beer truck drivers arrive with visions of glory in their head. Pick: Browns
Oakland at Tennessee: Rob Bironas kicked 8 field goals last week to set an NFL record, causing many people to pick him up for their fantasy leagues. People such as myself. I’m sure that there is no such thing as regression to the mean. Pick: Titans
Buffalo at the New York Jets: The Jets have lost linebacker Jonathan Vilma for the season and have a brewing QB controversy as Chad Pennington has struggled. There is only one thing to do in a situation like this. Kick a team while they are down. Pick: Bills
Houston at San Diego: This game will be held in San Diego as the fires in Southern California have been brought somewhat under control. Speaking of en fuego, Houston backup Sage Rosenfels joined Joe Montana, Kenny “The Snake” Stabler, and Vinny Testeverde as the only quarterback to throw four touchdowns in the fourth quarter last week. One of these is things is not like the other. . . Pick: Chargers
Jacksonville at Tampa Bay: Jacksonville released longtime QB Bryon Leftwich early in the season, so when David Garrard went down last week the QB duties fell to Quinn Gray, who had an 11.1 QB rating against the Colts. So many things to say here, all of them bad. Pick: Buccaneers
Washington at New England: How can anyone stop the New England offense, which is averaging a billion points per game? I think the only hope is to have the Patriots get overconfident, invade Russia and let “General Winter” do his work. Pick: Patriots
New Orleans at San Francisco: San Francisco fans advised to skip this game so they can perhaps put a little bit more money into their down payment on their million dollar 750 square foot fixer upper. Pick: Saints
Green Bay at Denver: Denver’s strategy of winning games on the final play with a field goal brings excitement to the football viewing public, but will eventually kill three assistant coaches due to heart attacks. The district attorney not sure if manslaughter charges will apply. Pick: Packers
Indianapolis at Carolina: Fans confused when this contest announced, thinking it is a basketball game between the Hoosiers and the Tarheels. Dick Vermeil shows up and is put to work as a sideline announcer. Pick: Colts
Detroit at Chicago: I’m picking the Bears in this game, so I don’t give any member of the genus Ursus more reason to be angry at me. Of course, now I am making another group of carnivores mad at me, but at least this group is mostly in zoos on this continent. Pick: Bears
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati: Marvin Lewis realizing that perhaps it is time to start Operation Get out of Cincinnati. I suggest a raft that flows down the Ohio River to the Mississippi. Pick: Steelers
New York Giants at Miami: This game is in London, where the NFL is trying to spread the popularity of American football abroad. Because spreading our culture in other nations has proved to be so successful for the United States lately. Pick: Giants
Philadelphia at Minnesota: This could be a defensive struggle. Or conversely, an ineptly played offensive game. You say tomayto, I say tomato. Let’s just call the whole thing off. Only that probably wouldn’t work with the need for all NFL teams to play 16 games and all that. Pick: Eagles
Cleveland at St. Louis: Cleveland is playing pretty well this year and is still in the running for a playoff spot. St. Louis is still holding auditions for fat guys who can play offensive line, at least for a series or two. Beer truck drivers arrive with visions of glory in their head. Pick: Browns
Oakland at Tennessee: Rob Bironas kicked 8 field goals last week to set an NFL record, causing many people to pick him up for their fantasy leagues. People such as myself. I’m sure that there is no such thing as regression to the mean. Pick: Titans
Buffalo at the New York Jets: The Jets have lost linebacker Jonathan Vilma for the season and have a brewing QB controversy as Chad Pennington has struggled. There is only one thing to do in a situation like this. Kick a team while they are down. Pick: Bills
Houston at San Diego: This game will be held in San Diego as the fires in Southern California have been brought somewhat under control. Speaking of en fuego, Houston backup Sage Rosenfels joined Joe Montana, Kenny “The Snake” Stabler, and Vinny Testeverde as the only quarterback to throw four touchdowns in the fourth quarter last week. One of these is things is not like the other. . . Pick: Chargers
Jacksonville at Tampa Bay: Jacksonville released longtime QB Bryon Leftwich early in the season, so when David Garrard went down last week the QB duties fell to Quinn Gray, who had an 11.1 QB rating against the Colts. So many things to say here, all of them bad. Pick: Buccaneers
Washington at New England: How can anyone stop the New England offense, which is averaging a billion points per game? I think the only hope is to have the Patriots get overconfident, invade Russia and let “General Winter” do his work. Pick: Patriots
New Orleans at San Francisco: San Francisco fans advised to skip this game so they can perhaps put a little bit more money into their down payment on their million dollar 750 square foot fixer upper. Pick: Saints
Green Bay at Denver: Denver’s strategy of winning games on the final play with a field goal brings excitement to the football viewing public, but will eventually kill three assistant coaches due to heart attacks. The district attorney not sure if manslaughter charges will apply. Pick: Packers
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The West Coast Offense is the Best Coast Offense
St. Louis at Baltimore: Winless Rams against a Baltimore team that has trouble scoring touchdowns. Sounds like a winner, and I will have to watch it because I live in the DC-Baltimore metro area. It might be time to rewatch the Star Wars Family Guy episode I DVRed instead. “Wait, isn’t a parsec a measure of distance?” Pick: Ravens
Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago might be regretting letting Thomas Jones go, as Cedric Benson is not reminding anybody of Walter Payton. Or even of the zombie Walter Payton than played a few games for the Bears a couple of years ago before being de-animated. But since Minnesota can’t actually put points on the board with its offense, the Bears might be o.k. with Benson’s 3 yards per carry average. Pick: Bears
Miami at Cleveland: The game should be renamed the “Bernie Kosar Memorial Flag Football Game for Children’s Hospital.” That is actually a bit unfair to Cleveland, who showed remarkable spunk by actually scoring 17 points against New England last week. Pick: Browns
Washington at Green Bay: Washington’s pass defense is much improved from last year. Last week, they held the high scoring Lions to only 3 points by only rushing four and not blitzing, insuring eight years of more rants against blitzing from Tuesday Morning Quarterback Gregg Easterbrook. Rumors that the Packers are installing the Wing-T to improve their rushing game have not yet been confirmed. Pick: Redskins
Houston at Jacksonville: I’ll take two cites I would not want to visit for 200, Alex. Pick: Jaguars
Cincinnati at Kansas City: Everyone says that Kansas City can rejuvenate its rushing game when Larry Johnson faces the weak Cincinnati defense. Which is probably true. If you can’t run against Cincinnati, you might want to seriously consider the CFL. Pick: Chiefs
Philadephia at New York Jets: Not much good sporting news coming out of these two cities recently. Between the Mets epic collapse, the Phillies getting swept in the playoffs, and the Yankees proving once again that good pitching beats good hitting, both sets of passionate fans have little to cheer for. And since these two teams are a combined 2-7, fans might actually have to go out and take advantage of cultural opportunities instead of haunting message boards on the internet. Truly, a fate worse than death. Pick: Eagles
Tennessee at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay has lost its two top running backs and its attempt to augment an injured Cadillac Williams with cybernetic enhancements to make “RoboBack” have fallen victim to the NFL’s competitive advantage rules. They were especially concerned with the jet pack that would allow Williams to fly over the line of scrimmage. Pick: Titans
Carolina at Arizona: 43 year old Vinny Testaverde could very well start for Carolina this week, as Jake Delhomme is out for the season with an injury and David Carr’s back is apparently the back of a 76 year old. Starting Testaverde is completely understandable, as no one born in the 1970s or 1980s can play quarterback. Pick: Cardinals
New England at Dallas: Everyone has been talking about this game, as two 5-0 teams face off against one another. Both teams have great offenses, and while Dallas’s defense is a bit banged up, coach Wade Phillips has game planned great games against the New England offense in the past. To determine a winner of this contest, you have to go pretty far down the list to the “Most times on the front of a major magazine” criteria. Pick: Patriots
Oakland at San Diego: Oakland is actually leading the AFC West with a 2-2 record, but look for Norv Turner to extract revenge against one of the teams that fired him. It’s always the quiet ones you have to look out for, as they one day sneak up behind you in an ally and beat you severely about the head and shoulders with LaDanien Tomlinson. Pick: Chargers
New Orleans at Seattle: New Orleans lost a heartbreaker to Carolina last weekend to remain winless, while Seattle looked awful in getting shut out by the Steelers. Ladies and Gentlemen, the results of parity in the NFL! Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Atlanta: The Giants are rebounding, solving their early season defensive problems and getting a tremendous season out of Plaxico Burress at wide receiver. Atlanta is “unbounding” this season, as Bobby Petrino decided that a quarterback controversy between two bad quarterbacks is what the Falcons needed this year. Pick: Giants
Last week: 11-3
Year to date: 43-33
Minnesota at Chicago: Chicago might be regretting letting Thomas Jones go, as Cedric Benson is not reminding anybody of Walter Payton. Or even of the zombie Walter Payton than played a few games for the Bears a couple of years ago before being de-animated. But since Minnesota can’t actually put points on the board with its offense, the Bears might be o.k. with Benson’s 3 yards per carry average. Pick: Bears
Miami at Cleveland: The game should be renamed the “Bernie Kosar Memorial Flag Football Game for Children’s Hospital.” That is actually a bit unfair to Cleveland, who showed remarkable spunk by actually scoring 17 points against New England last week. Pick: Browns
Washington at Green Bay: Washington’s pass defense is much improved from last year. Last week, they held the high scoring Lions to only 3 points by only rushing four and not blitzing, insuring eight years of more rants against blitzing from Tuesday Morning Quarterback Gregg Easterbrook. Rumors that the Packers are installing the Wing-T to improve their rushing game have not yet been confirmed. Pick: Redskins
Houston at Jacksonville: I’ll take two cites I would not want to visit for 200, Alex. Pick: Jaguars
Cincinnati at Kansas City: Everyone says that Kansas City can rejuvenate its rushing game when Larry Johnson faces the weak Cincinnati defense. Which is probably true. If you can’t run against Cincinnati, you might want to seriously consider the CFL. Pick: Chiefs
Philadephia at New York Jets: Not much good sporting news coming out of these two cities recently. Between the Mets epic collapse, the Phillies getting swept in the playoffs, and the Yankees proving once again that good pitching beats good hitting, both sets of passionate fans have little to cheer for. And since these two teams are a combined 2-7, fans might actually have to go out and take advantage of cultural opportunities instead of haunting message boards on the internet. Truly, a fate worse than death. Pick: Eagles
Tennessee at Tampa Bay: Tampa Bay has lost its two top running backs and its attempt to augment an injured Cadillac Williams with cybernetic enhancements to make “RoboBack” have fallen victim to the NFL’s competitive advantage rules. They were especially concerned with the jet pack that would allow Williams to fly over the line of scrimmage. Pick: Titans
Carolina at Arizona: 43 year old Vinny Testaverde could very well start for Carolina this week, as Jake Delhomme is out for the season with an injury and David Carr’s back is apparently the back of a 76 year old. Starting Testaverde is completely understandable, as no one born in the 1970s or 1980s can play quarterback. Pick: Cardinals
New England at Dallas: Everyone has been talking about this game, as two 5-0 teams face off against one another. Both teams have great offenses, and while Dallas’s defense is a bit banged up, coach Wade Phillips has game planned great games against the New England offense in the past. To determine a winner of this contest, you have to go pretty far down the list to the “Most times on the front of a major magazine” criteria. Pick: Patriots
Oakland at San Diego: Oakland is actually leading the AFC West with a 2-2 record, but look for Norv Turner to extract revenge against one of the teams that fired him. It’s always the quiet ones you have to look out for, as they one day sneak up behind you in an ally and beat you severely about the head and shoulders with LaDanien Tomlinson. Pick: Chargers
New Orleans at Seattle: New Orleans lost a heartbreaker to Carolina last weekend to remain winless, while Seattle looked awful in getting shut out by the Steelers. Ladies and Gentlemen, the results of parity in the NFL! Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Atlanta: The Giants are rebounding, solving their early season defensive problems and getting a tremendous season out of Plaxico Burress at wide receiver. Atlanta is “unbounding” this season, as Bobby Petrino decided that a quarterback controversy between two bad quarterbacks is what the Falcons needed this year. Pick: Giants
Last week: 11-3
Year to date: 43-33
Sunday, October 7, 2007
5 Yard Penalty for Delay of Game
Miami at Houston: Look for international tension between the US and Cuba to increase. The baseball season is over, the Miami Hurricanes are not in the BCS picture, the basketball season hasn’t started yet, and the Dolphins are awful. What else is there to do in South Florida except to plot to overthrow Castro? Pick: Texans
Atlanta at Tennessee: The second Tennessee smackdown of a Georgia football team in two days sends the Peach State into a flurry of activity as a blue ribbon commission is established to improve Georgia football. Cries that a blue ribbon commission should be established to improve the educational system are shouted down as a misallocation of resources. Pick: Titans
Jacksonville at Kansas City: Jacksonville is coming off a bye week and Kansas City is coming off of a win over San Diego, which is perhaps not as impressive as you would have thought in the preseason. I think that rest usually helps you perform better. Football can be a game filled with violence. And getting hit hurts. Pick: Jaguars
The New York Jets at the New York Giants: New Yorkers clash in a fratricidal game instead of uniting to support the New York Yankees in their attempt not to fail in the playoffs again. Priorities, people! Joe Torre needs your help! Pick: Giants
Carolina at New Orleans: The Saints are undefeated in the loss column this season, which is a way of saying they haven’t won a game yet. This has to change eventually according to the Second Law of Thermoprediction, which says that teams that suck occasionally do actually win. Pick: Saints
Arizona at St. Louis: Arizona has used a quarterback platoon to play well over the past two games, which confuses the captain of the cheerleading squad as she doesn’t know who to take to homecoming. St. Louis becomes the 487th team to use Gus Ferrote at quarterback as Marc Bulger is not playing so well with broken ribs constantly puncturing his lungs. Pick: Cardinals
Cleveland at New England:The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.
Lord Byron, The Destruction of Romeo Crennel, 2007. Pick: Patriots
Seattle at Pittsburgh: A rematch of Super Bowl XXL. Look for crappy play, bad calls, and Mike Holmgren to whine like a teenager grounded right before prom at the end of the day. Pick: Steelers
Detroit at Washington: Detroit hasn’t won on the road against Washington in seven decades. They are 0-20 since their last victory which was during the Franklin Delano Roosevelt administration. But the Lions are 3-1 this year and are looking to finally show those corrupt politicians in the nation’s capital that men from the heartland can still take a stand! Pick: Lions
Tampa Bay at Indianapolis: Tampa Bay has been playing well, but have lost the services of Cadillac Williams for the season. Attempts to rename backup running backs HumVee or Ford Expedition have at press time been unsuccessful. Pick: Colts
San Diego at Denver: Denver is missing Javon Walker and possibly Travis Henry, who evidently has violated the league’s substance abuse policy by smoking pot to forget about how much he owes in child support (9 kids with 9 different women.) A loss could send the Chargers into what Trent Reznor would call a “Downward Spiral” and what others would call “The Mysterious Underperformace Zone.” Pick: Chargers
Baltimore at San Francisco: San Francisco’s offense has been sputtering all season and the 9ers will have to start Trent Dilfer as Alex Smith is injured. Baltimore’s offense is always questionable, so you might want to take the under if you are in Vegas and able to partake in legal gambling. Pick: Ravens
Chicago at Green Bay: Chicago adopting the philosophy that one Super Bowl every 20 years or so is enough as the NFL runners up from last year are 1-3. Green Bay adopting the philosophy that ignoring a running game and throwing 347 times a contest is the way to go. And so far it is. Pick: Packers
Dallas at Buffalo: Buffalo’s defense is banged up, just in time to face the high-octane Dallas offense. Should be a good time in Western New York, if you define a good time as crying in your 13th Genny Cream Ale. Pick: Cowboys
Last week: 6-8
Year to date: 32-30
Atlanta at Tennessee: The second Tennessee smackdown of a Georgia football team in two days sends the Peach State into a flurry of activity as a blue ribbon commission is established to improve Georgia football. Cries that a blue ribbon commission should be established to improve the educational system are shouted down as a misallocation of resources. Pick: Titans
Jacksonville at Kansas City: Jacksonville is coming off a bye week and Kansas City is coming off of a win over San Diego, which is perhaps not as impressive as you would have thought in the preseason. I think that rest usually helps you perform better. Football can be a game filled with violence. And getting hit hurts. Pick: Jaguars
The New York Jets at the New York Giants: New Yorkers clash in a fratricidal game instead of uniting to support the New York Yankees in their attempt not to fail in the playoffs again. Priorities, people! Joe Torre needs your help! Pick: Giants
Carolina at New Orleans: The Saints are undefeated in the loss column this season, which is a way of saying they haven’t won a game yet. This has to change eventually according to the Second Law of Thermoprediction, which says that teams that suck occasionally do actually win. Pick: Saints
Arizona at St. Louis: Arizona has used a quarterback platoon to play well over the past two games, which confuses the captain of the cheerleading squad as she doesn’t know who to take to homecoming. St. Louis becomes the 487th team to use Gus Ferrote at quarterback as Marc Bulger is not playing so well with broken ribs constantly puncturing his lungs. Pick: Cardinals
Cleveland at New England:The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee.
Lord Byron, The Destruction of Romeo Crennel, 2007. Pick: Patriots
Seattle at Pittsburgh: A rematch of Super Bowl XXL. Look for crappy play, bad calls, and Mike Holmgren to whine like a teenager grounded right before prom at the end of the day. Pick: Steelers
Detroit at Washington: Detroit hasn’t won on the road against Washington in seven decades. They are 0-20 since their last victory which was during the Franklin Delano Roosevelt administration. But the Lions are 3-1 this year and are looking to finally show those corrupt politicians in the nation’s capital that men from the heartland can still take a stand! Pick: Lions
Tampa Bay at Indianapolis: Tampa Bay has been playing well, but have lost the services of Cadillac Williams for the season. Attempts to rename backup running backs HumVee or Ford Expedition have at press time been unsuccessful. Pick: Colts
San Diego at Denver: Denver is missing Javon Walker and possibly Travis Henry, who evidently has violated the league’s substance abuse policy by smoking pot to forget about how much he owes in child support (9 kids with 9 different women.) A loss could send the Chargers into what Trent Reznor would call a “Downward Spiral” and what others would call “The Mysterious Underperformace Zone.” Pick: Chargers
Baltimore at San Francisco: San Francisco’s offense has been sputtering all season and the 9ers will have to start Trent Dilfer as Alex Smith is injured. Baltimore’s offense is always questionable, so you might want to take the under if you are in Vegas and able to partake in legal gambling. Pick: Ravens
Chicago at Green Bay: Chicago adopting the philosophy that one Super Bowl every 20 years or so is enough as the NFL runners up from last year are 1-3. Green Bay adopting the philosophy that ignoring a running game and throwing 347 times a contest is the way to go. And so far it is. Pick: Packers
Dallas at Buffalo: Buffalo’s defense is banged up, just in time to face the high-octane Dallas offense. Should be a good time in Western New York, if you define a good time as crying in your 13th Genny Cream Ale. Pick: Cowboys
Last week: 6-8
Year to date: 32-30
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Fourth Down and Forever
Houston at Atlanta: The Falcons traded away backup quarterback Matt Schaub to the Texans before they knew that Michael Vick was not smart enough to avoid smoking the wacky tobaccy while awaiting sentencing for dogfighting. Schaub is doing well for Houston while Joey Harrington is proving that his third team is not the charm. More like the third strike means you are out. Pick: Texans
Baltimore at Cleveland: This could be a revenge game for Jamal Lewis, who faces his old Ravens team for the first time since moving to Cleveland. But something tells me that it won’t be as complete as the revenge Medea exacted on Jason when she caught him fooling around. Pick: Ravens
Oakland at Miami: Once these two teams would vie for AFC supremacy. Now not so much. Raiders quarterback Duante Culpepper returns to Miami after one injury and interception filled season in South Florida. New Dolphins quarterback Trent Green faces a familiar foe in the Raiders, a team he faced twice a year while playing with the Chiefs. But this game is not just about the quarterbacks. It’s about 110 men on both teams each trying to find a place in this topsy turvy, weird, wacky, and wild place we call Planet Earth. By hitting other people. Pick: Dolphins
Chicago at Detroit: Rex Grossman has been benched in Chicago for Brian Griese, which is the usual result when you throw -7 touchdown passes in a season. I don’t know how he got into the negative numbers, he just did. Detroit started out 2-0 before allowing the Eagles to score 56 points against them this weekend. Fans in Michigan who went out after this start and bought playoff tickets for the Lions are proof that in humanity hope triumphs over experience, like those Kurds in Turkey who bought postage stamps for the Republic of Kurdistan and tried to send mail with them. Pick: Bears
New York Jets at Buffalo: In yet another example of hope triumphing over experience, I am going to go with the Bills despite not knowing anything about their backup and now starting quarterback Trent Edwards except me might be related to presidential candidate John Edwards or perhaps a descendant of famed Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards. I have the vast powers of the internet at my fingertips with which I could find out this information, but then I would have to think up a new joke. Pick: Bills
Green Bay at Minnesota: Brett Farve in all likelihood will set the NFL record for touchdown passes by a quarterback when he throws for number 421 in this game. If he does so, Wisconsin plans to declare Monday an official state holiday and rename the state capital of Madison Farveton. If, however, Farve fails to throw a touchdown pass and instead throws three interceptions to set the NFL career interception record, plans will not change. What is important is that Farve has another record. Pick: Packers
St. Louis at Dallas: It’s been a rough couple of months for St. Louis. The Cardinals faded down the stretch, rejuvinated wonderkid Rick Ankiel was discovered to maybe have used a little HGH in his rejuvination instead of just steak and Budweiser, and now the Rams score like 5 points a game. As the saying goes, it’s going to get worse before the United States government arrives with a reconstruction package to save your country from the commies. Pick: Cowboys.
Seattle at San Francisco: Look for Shaun Alexander to continue his record of success against San Francisco, who allowed the Pittsburgh Steelers to run all over them last week. Unless of course 49ers coach Mike Singeltary uses dark magic to possess his linebackers and control them with the power of his mind. Which could happen, but would probably cause some friction in the locker room later. Pick: Seahawks
Tampa Bay at Carolina: Carolina receiver Steve Smith has had several great games against Tampa Bay, despite the vaunted Tampa-2 defense. But the Bucs are constantly evolving the Tampa defense and it is now the Tampa-5 defense where they insert an extra three defensive backs. It proves to be quite effective until the referees realize that the Bucs are now playing with 14 men on the field. Pick: Panthers
Kansas City at San Diego: The Chargers are starting to get a bit worried as they have already lost as many games this year as they did all last season in the regular season. Kansas City is starting to get worried as they have scored only 26 points all season and Larry Johnson only has a 2.8 yards per carry rushing average. Bobby McFerrin is brought into both clubhouses to sing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” in an attempt to get players in a positive state of mind. Pick: Chargers
Denver at Indianapolis: In a stunning move, OmniSuperMegaCorp gives up on developing viral weaponry that will only turn on its creators and decides to offer to genetically engineer children to play football like Peyton Manning. Stock flies through the roof and no one has to fight off crazed hordes of zombies. Pick: Colts
Pittsburgh at Arizona: Arizona coach Kurt Whisenhunt faces the team that he was an assistant coach on from 2001 to 2006. This should give him some advantages when he develops his game plan as he knows players strengths and weaknesses, but he’s also coaching the Cardinals so I don’t know if that will help him much. Pick: Steelers
Philadelphia at the New York Giants: In a Sunday fraught with implications for New York and Philadephia sports franchises, the Eagles and Giants face off against each other while the Phillies and the Mets battle for the postseason the the NL East. Whatever happens expect the some group of angry, obnoxious fans to be disappointed. So it really is a win win situation for the rest of the country. Pick: Eagles
New England at Cincinnati: The Patriots are scoring 38 points a game while the Bengals don’t like to play defense. This has lopsided rout written all over it. And as the saying goes, “So let it be written. So let it be done.” Pick: Patriots
Last week: 10-6
Year to date: 26-22
Baltimore at Cleveland: This could be a revenge game for Jamal Lewis, who faces his old Ravens team for the first time since moving to Cleveland. But something tells me that it won’t be as complete as the revenge Medea exacted on Jason when she caught him fooling around. Pick: Ravens
Oakland at Miami: Once these two teams would vie for AFC supremacy. Now not so much. Raiders quarterback Duante Culpepper returns to Miami after one injury and interception filled season in South Florida. New Dolphins quarterback Trent Green faces a familiar foe in the Raiders, a team he faced twice a year while playing with the Chiefs. But this game is not just about the quarterbacks. It’s about 110 men on both teams each trying to find a place in this topsy turvy, weird, wacky, and wild place we call Planet Earth. By hitting other people. Pick: Dolphins
Chicago at Detroit: Rex Grossman has been benched in Chicago for Brian Griese, which is the usual result when you throw -7 touchdown passes in a season. I don’t know how he got into the negative numbers, he just did. Detroit started out 2-0 before allowing the Eagles to score 56 points against them this weekend. Fans in Michigan who went out after this start and bought playoff tickets for the Lions are proof that in humanity hope triumphs over experience, like those Kurds in Turkey who bought postage stamps for the Republic of Kurdistan and tried to send mail with them. Pick: Bears
New York Jets at Buffalo: In yet another example of hope triumphing over experience, I am going to go with the Bills despite not knowing anything about their backup and now starting quarterback Trent Edwards except me might be related to presidential candidate John Edwards or perhaps a descendant of famed Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards. I have the vast powers of the internet at my fingertips with which I could find out this information, but then I would have to think up a new joke. Pick: Bills
Green Bay at Minnesota: Brett Farve in all likelihood will set the NFL record for touchdown passes by a quarterback when he throws for number 421 in this game. If he does so, Wisconsin plans to declare Monday an official state holiday and rename the state capital of Madison Farveton. If, however, Farve fails to throw a touchdown pass and instead throws three interceptions to set the NFL career interception record, plans will not change. What is important is that Farve has another record. Pick: Packers
St. Louis at Dallas: It’s been a rough couple of months for St. Louis. The Cardinals faded down the stretch, rejuvinated wonderkid Rick Ankiel was discovered to maybe have used a little HGH in his rejuvination instead of just steak and Budweiser, and now the Rams score like 5 points a game. As the saying goes, it’s going to get worse before the United States government arrives with a reconstruction package to save your country from the commies. Pick: Cowboys.
Seattle at San Francisco: Look for Shaun Alexander to continue his record of success against San Francisco, who allowed the Pittsburgh Steelers to run all over them last week. Unless of course 49ers coach Mike Singeltary uses dark magic to possess his linebackers and control them with the power of his mind. Which could happen, but would probably cause some friction in the locker room later. Pick: Seahawks
Tampa Bay at Carolina: Carolina receiver Steve Smith has had several great games against Tampa Bay, despite the vaunted Tampa-2 defense. But the Bucs are constantly evolving the Tampa defense and it is now the Tampa-5 defense where they insert an extra three defensive backs. It proves to be quite effective until the referees realize that the Bucs are now playing with 14 men on the field. Pick: Panthers
Kansas City at San Diego: The Chargers are starting to get a bit worried as they have already lost as many games this year as they did all last season in the regular season. Kansas City is starting to get worried as they have scored only 26 points all season and Larry Johnson only has a 2.8 yards per carry rushing average. Bobby McFerrin is brought into both clubhouses to sing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” in an attempt to get players in a positive state of mind. Pick: Chargers
Denver at Indianapolis: In a stunning move, OmniSuperMegaCorp gives up on developing viral weaponry that will only turn on its creators and decides to offer to genetically engineer children to play football like Peyton Manning. Stock flies through the roof and no one has to fight off crazed hordes of zombies. Pick: Colts
Pittsburgh at Arizona: Arizona coach Kurt Whisenhunt faces the team that he was an assistant coach on from 2001 to 2006. This should give him some advantages when he develops his game plan as he knows players strengths and weaknesses, but he’s also coaching the Cardinals so I don’t know if that will help him much. Pick: Steelers
Philadelphia at the New York Giants: In a Sunday fraught with implications for New York and Philadephia sports franchises, the Eagles and Giants face off against each other while the Phillies and the Mets battle for the postseason the the NL East. Whatever happens expect the some group of angry, obnoxious fans to be disappointed. So it really is a win win situation for the rest of the country. Pick: Eagles
New England at Cincinnati: The Patriots are scoring 38 points a game while the Bengals don’t like to play defense. This has lopsided rout written all over it. And as the saying goes, “So let it be written. So let it be done.” Pick: Patriots
Last week: 10-6
Year to date: 26-22
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Playing from the Three Point Stance
Detroit at Philadelphia: Detroit is 2-0 while Philly is 0-2 with one touchdown all season. Philly fans and fantasy owners of Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook have been reduced to inarticulate grunts when calling into sports talk radio, Pick: Lions
Miami at the New York Jets: An important battle in the AFC East, as the winner of this game will actually have a win this season and won’t fall too far behind the Patriots before the leaves start to turn. Pick: Jets
Buffalo at New England: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away. It’s going to be one of those games for the Bills. Pick: Patriots
Arizona at Baltimore: In what should be called the “Traitor Bowl” two teams who left their cities face off against each other. In this analogy, Arizona is Benedict Arnold who betrayed his cause and died embittered in England while Baltimore is some traitor who prospered in his new location but my historical analogy meter is not giving me anything here people. Pick: Ravens
St. Louis at Tampa Bay: Jeff Garcia and Joey Galloway used up their quota of touchdown passes last week. No mas for them. Pick: Rams
San Francisco at Pittsburgh: San Francisco is 2-0 despite being dead last in the league in total offense. Using smoke and mirrors to score points instead of the West Coast Offense might be fun for a while, 49ers, but don’t make Bill Walsh send down bolts of lightning from heaven. Pick: Steelers
Indianapolis at Houston: Houston is a surprising 2-0 and this is suddenly a big early season game in the AFC South. But as the Chinese saying goes “The nail that stands up is hammered down” and I am sure Peyton Manning has a free hammer from some endorsement or another. Pick: Colts
San Diego at Green Bay: San Diego had a chance to get revenge against New England last week and stunk up the joint. Perhaps San Diego is discovering that the Norv Turner Experience should be a rock band and not a coaching staff. Pick: Packers
Minnesota at Kansas City: Minnesota is playing great defense and needs to continue to play great defense so that I might continue to score points in my fantasy league. So the Larry Johnson slump this season needs to continue for at least one more week. Sorry, Larry. Nothing personal. Pick: Vikings
Cleveland at Oakland: Cleveland confuses fantasy owners and those who frequent wagering establishments by scoring 10 points one weekend and 51 points next weekend. Where do you go with this? How can you use past performance to predict future behavior here? Pick: Raiders
Jacksonville at Denver: Denver leads the league in total offense despite having to win both of its games by field goals in the last second or overtime. Just as you kick someone when they are down in a fight so they know they are beaten, you have to score touchdowns in the end zone so teams don’t get funny ideas about being competitive. Pick: Broncos
Cincinnati at Seattle: Cincy scored 46 points last week and lost. How do you do that? Do you think there were some harsh words in the Cincy locker room between the offensive and defensive squads? Like “Maybe you guys should discover the concept of tackling?” Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Washington: The Giants are not so much feeling like playing defense this year, deciding to use all of their energy on the defensive front to explain themselves in the pages of the New York Post. Pick: Redskins
Carolina at Atlanta: No one in the Atlanta area watches this game as they are all hung over after celebrating the Georgia win over Alabama in OT on Saturday night. Which is all for the good, really. Pick: Panthers
Dallas at Chicago: Dallas is scoring at will this season but Chicago is only allowing 12 points a game. This contest could be like one of those immovable object-irresistible force kind of things, like when you go to Chipotle and can’t decide if you want the barbacoa burrito or the steak burrito. Both make strong claims on your allegiance. Pick: Bears
Tennessee at New Orleans: New Orleans has stumbled out of the blocks this season with its high octane offense acting like a Model-T. And while they could still get their team on track and upgraded to a late model Mustang this season, they still have to go through the Edsel phase. Pick: Titans
Last week: 8-8
Year to date: 16-16
Miami at the New York Jets: An important battle in the AFC East, as the winner of this game will actually have a win this season and won’t fall too far behind the Patriots before the leaves start to turn. Pick: Jets
Buffalo at New England: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away. It’s going to be one of those games for the Bills. Pick: Patriots
Arizona at Baltimore: In what should be called the “Traitor Bowl” two teams who left their cities face off against each other. In this analogy, Arizona is Benedict Arnold who betrayed his cause and died embittered in England while Baltimore is some traitor who prospered in his new location but my historical analogy meter is not giving me anything here people. Pick: Ravens
St. Louis at Tampa Bay: Jeff Garcia and Joey Galloway used up their quota of touchdown passes last week. No mas for them. Pick: Rams
San Francisco at Pittsburgh: San Francisco is 2-0 despite being dead last in the league in total offense. Using smoke and mirrors to score points instead of the West Coast Offense might be fun for a while, 49ers, but don’t make Bill Walsh send down bolts of lightning from heaven. Pick: Steelers
Indianapolis at Houston: Houston is a surprising 2-0 and this is suddenly a big early season game in the AFC South. But as the Chinese saying goes “The nail that stands up is hammered down” and I am sure Peyton Manning has a free hammer from some endorsement or another. Pick: Colts
San Diego at Green Bay: San Diego had a chance to get revenge against New England last week and stunk up the joint. Perhaps San Diego is discovering that the Norv Turner Experience should be a rock band and not a coaching staff. Pick: Packers
Minnesota at Kansas City: Minnesota is playing great defense and needs to continue to play great defense so that I might continue to score points in my fantasy league. So the Larry Johnson slump this season needs to continue for at least one more week. Sorry, Larry. Nothing personal. Pick: Vikings
Cleveland at Oakland: Cleveland confuses fantasy owners and those who frequent wagering establishments by scoring 10 points one weekend and 51 points next weekend. Where do you go with this? How can you use past performance to predict future behavior here? Pick: Raiders
Jacksonville at Denver: Denver leads the league in total offense despite having to win both of its games by field goals in the last second or overtime. Just as you kick someone when they are down in a fight so they know they are beaten, you have to score touchdowns in the end zone so teams don’t get funny ideas about being competitive. Pick: Broncos
Cincinnati at Seattle: Cincy scored 46 points last week and lost. How do you do that? Do you think there were some harsh words in the Cincy locker room between the offensive and defensive squads? Like “Maybe you guys should discover the concept of tackling?” Pick: Seahawks
New York Giants at Washington: The Giants are not so much feeling like playing defense this year, deciding to use all of their energy on the defensive front to explain themselves in the pages of the New York Post. Pick: Redskins
Carolina at Atlanta: No one in the Atlanta area watches this game as they are all hung over after celebrating the Georgia win over Alabama in OT on Saturday night. Which is all for the good, really. Pick: Panthers
Dallas at Chicago: Dallas is scoring at will this season but Chicago is only allowing 12 points a game. This contest could be like one of those immovable object-irresistible force kind of things, like when you go to Chipotle and can’t decide if you want the barbacoa burrito or the steak burrito. Both make strong claims on your allegiance. Pick: Bears
Tennessee at New Orleans: New Orleans has stumbled out of the blocks this season with its high octane offense acting like a Model-T. And while they could still get their team on track and upgraded to a late model Mustang this season, they still have to go through the Edsel phase. Pick: Titans
Last week: 8-8
Year to date: 16-16
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Faster Running Back Go Go Go!
Buffalo at Pittsburgh: For the second week in a row, a favorite team of mine faces a favorite team of my friend Phil Catelinet. Last week it was Notre Dame and Penn State, now it is Buffalo and Pittsburgh. And while I think that Buffalo is better than Notre Dame, I feel that the end result of this week’s contest will be the same-Phil gets to send me that Onion article entitled “You Will Suffer Humiliation when the Sports Team from My Area Defeats the Sports Team from Your Area.” Pick: Steelers
Houston at Carolina: Two teams that are both undefeated. Rumors that Houston wants to end the season now while they are in first place have been denied. Every other year Carolina is good. Why stop something that seems to work so well? Pick: Panthers
New Orleans at Tampa Bay: New Orleans was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Colts. Tampa Bay was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Seahawks. One of these teams will continue to be embarrassed this season, but not in the fun embarrassment of riches kind of way. Pick: Saints
Atlanta at Jacksonville: Jacksonville will look to run against Atlanta, who allowed lots of rushing yards last week against Minnesota. Atlanta will look to actually score a touchdown so as not to be known as the “Notre Dame of the South.” Pick: Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Cleveland: Cleveland started Charlie Frye at QB last week and then promptly traded him to Seattle. Derek Anderson will start at QB for the Browns with Brady Quinn waiting in the wings to take his turn behind center and get sacked 26 times a game. As far as I know, no Cincinnati player got arrested in the past week, Marvin Lewis rewarded team with late night party with open bar at club in Vegas. Pick: Bengals
San Francisco at St. Louis: The Rams have lost 60 percent of their projected offensive line, including All Pro lineman Orlando Pace. This could throw a kink in what as projected to be a potent offensive attack, as good blocking kinda helps you score lots of points. San Francisco didn’t have much of an offense last week against the Cardinals but were able to do enough to win. There are only so many teams (in fact, 1) that are called the Cardinals, though. Pick: Rams
Green Bay at the New York Giants: Everybody on the Giants was injured last week forcing Tom Coughlin to start the championship team from the NYPD club league. But those NYPD guys do tend to come through in the clutch. Pick: Giants
Indianapolis at Tennessee: Tennessee plays Indy tough, and has shown that they can run against the Colts in the past. But the Colts shut down a strong New Orleans offense last week and maybe have solved their defensive problems. This will be close but look for Indy to prevail when Peyton Manning finishes a commercial in time for a game winning drive. Pick: Colts
Dallas at Miami: Dallas scored 45 points last week. Miami scored 13 points last week. Using string theory, we can see that 45 points is much more than 13 points and gives an edge to the: Cowboys
Minnesota at Detroit: Minnesota needs to keep this game close as they will be at a disadvantage if the game is a high scoring one. Detroit needs to roll up the points like the American auto industry used to roll up sales before those pesky Japanese arrived with their annoyingly high quality reasonably priced vehicles. Pick: Lions
Seattle at Arizona: Once again a predator bird faces a songbird, so unless the Cardinals can seduce the fierce Seahawks with seductive music, don’t bet on the little red guys. Pick: Seahawks
Kansas City at Chicago: In the olden days, cattle would be herded up north through Kansas City to the slaughterhouses of Chicago to be processed into food for a hungry nation in need of protein to continue the process of rapid industrialization. In today’s digital world, the Chiefs will be herded north to the slaughterhouse of Soldier Field to be processed into entertainment for a hungry Chicagoland in need of momentary distraction from their comfortable yet ennui filled lives. Pick: Bears
New York Jets at Baltimore: It’s only week two and we could have a battle of the backups as Kyle Boller might have to take over for an injured Steve McNair for Baltimore and the Jets Kellen Clemens could have to start for the first time in the NFL as Chad Pennington is injured. Predicted score in that case could be a thrilling 6-3 as the Ravens defense destroys a young QB and Kyle Boller continues to be as effective as the Polish cavalry in 1939. Pick: Ravens
Oakland at Denver: Quarterback roulette continues for the Raiders, who started Josh McCown last week but will start Duante Culpepper this week as McCown is out due to injury. Number 1 pick JaMarcus Russell finally ended his holdout and signed, but since he has missed approximately 598 days of training camp and practice, don’t expect to see him behind center. Unless every other QB on Oakland gets injured, which is well within the realm of possibility. Maybe Kenny “the Snake” Stabler can take a few snaps. Pick: Broncos
San Diego at New England: “By trying to videotape and steal the Jets play signals last week, I have brought shame upon my team and my owner. In order to wash away this stain on my honor, I will now commit seppuku on the 50 yard line of Gillette Stadium.” This is a Bill Belichick quote from an alternate reality where Japan wins WWII and influences the culture of the United States. But since Japan didn’t win WWII, Bill Belichick can continue to not give a shit that he is a cheating bastard. Pick: Chargers
Washington at Philadelphia: Washington evidently is watching “I Love the 80s” on repeat since they are going back to a ball control run oriented offense like the Redskins used to win during Coach Joe Gibbs first tenure with the club. They are not going totally retro though and actually using a white running back like they did back in the day with John Riggins. No sense in taking things too far. Pick: Eagles
Last week: 8-8
Year to date 8-8
Houston at Carolina: Two teams that are both undefeated. Rumors that Houston wants to end the season now while they are in first place have been denied. Every other year Carolina is good. Why stop something that seems to work so well? Pick: Panthers
New Orleans at Tampa Bay: New Orleans was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Colts. Tampa Bay was embarrassed in their opening day loss to the Seahawks. One of these teams will continue to be embarrassed this season, but not in the fun embarrassment of riches kind of way. Pick: Saints
Atlanta at Jacksonville: Jacksonville will look to run against Atlanta, who allowed lots of rushing yards last week against Minnesota. Atlanta will look to actually score a touchdown so as not to be known as the “Notre Dame of the South.” Pick: Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Cleveland: Cleveland started Charlie Frye at QB last week and then promptly traded him to Seattle. Derek Anderson will start at QB for the Browns with Brady Quinn waiting in the wings to take his turn behind center and get sacked 26 times a game. As far as I know, no Cincinnati player got arrested in the past week, Marvin Lewis rewarded team with late night party with open bar at club in Vegas. Pick: Bengals
San Francisco at St. Louis: The Rams have lost 60 percent of their projected offensive line, including All Pro lineman Orlando Pace. This could throw a kink in what as projected to be a potent offensive attack, as good blocking kinda helps you score lots of points. San Francisco didn’t have much of an offense last week against the Cardinals but were able to do enough to win. There are only so many teams (in fact, 1) that are called the Cardinals, though. Pick: Rams
Green Bay at the New York Giants: Everybody on the Giants was injured last week forcing Tom Coughlin to start the championship team from the NYPD club league. But those NYPD guys do tend to come through in the clutch. Pick: Giants
Indianapolis at Tennessee: Tennessee plays Indy tough, and has shown that they can run against the Colts in the past. But the Colts shut down a strong New Orleans offense last week and maybe have solved their defensive problems. This will be close but look for Indy to prevail when Peyton Manning finishes a commercial in time for a game winning drive. Pick: Colts
Dallas at Miami: Dallas scored 45 points last week. Miami scored 13 points last week. Using string theory, we can see that 45 points is much more than 13 points and gives an edge to the: Cowboys
Minnesota at Detroit: Minnesota needs to keep this game close as they will be at a disadvantage if the game is a high scoring one. Detroit needs to roll up the points like the American auto industry used to roll up sales before those pesky Japanese arrived with their annoyingly high quality reasonably priced vehicles. Pick: Lions
Seattle at Arizona: Once again a predator bird faces a songbird, so unless the Cardinals can seduce the fierce Seahawks with seductive music, don’t bet on the little red guys. Pick: Seahawks
Kansas City at Chicago: In the olden days, cattle would be herded up north through Kansas City to the slaughterhouses of Chicago to be processed into food for a hungry nation in need of protein to continue the process of rapid industrialization. In today’s digital world, the Chiefs will be herded north to the slaughterhouse of Soldier Field to be processed into entertainment for a hungry Chicagoland in need of momentary distraction from their comfortable yet ennui filled lives. Pick: Bears
New York Jets at Baltimore: It’s only week two and we could have a battle of the backups as Kyle Boller might have to take over for an injured Steve McNair for Baltimore and the Jets Kellen Clemens could have to start for the first time in the NFL as Chad Pennington is injured. Predicted score in that case could be a thrilling 6-3 as the Ravens defense destroys a young QB and Kyle Boller continues to be as effective as the Polish cavalry in 1939. Pick: Ravens
Oakland at Denver: Quarterback roulette continues for the Raiders, who started Josh McCown last week but will start Duante Culpepper this week as McCown is out due to injury. Number 1 pick JaMarcus Russell finally ended his holdout and signed, but since he has missed approximately 598 days of training camp and practice, don’t expect to see him behind center. Unless every other QB on Oakland gets injured, which is well within the realm of possibility. Maybe Kenny “the Snake” Stabler can take a few snaps. Pick: Broncos
San Diego at New England: “By trying to videotape and steal the Jets play signals last week, I have brought shame upon my team and my owner. In order to wash away this stain on my honor, I will now commit seppuku on the 50 yard line of Gillette Stadium.” This is a Bill Belichick quote from an alternate reality where Japan wins WWII and influences the culture of the United States. But since Japan didn’t win WWII, Bill Belichick can continue to not give a shit that he is a cheating bastard. Pick: Chargers
Washington at Philadelphia: Washington evidently is watching “I Love the 80s” on repeat since they are going back to a ball control run oriented offense like the Redskins used to win during Coach Joe Gibbs first tenure with the club. They are not going totally retro though and actually using a white running back like they did back in the day with John Riggins. No sense in taking things too far. Pick: Eagles
Last week: 8-8
Year to date 8-8
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